Empyreal Environs

Twenty years from now, thousands, maybe even tens of thousands, will say they were at Hanscom Civilian Air Terminal to welcome Daisuke Matsuzaka to Massachusetts. Only the hundred or so who were there with me can say this truthfully.

I work in Waltham, so Hanscom is not far. I left early knowing that I would get lost. My lack of navigational skills combined with the Bay State’s notorious lack of road signs conspired against the clock like Scott Boras’s negotiations tactics. The Google Maps route I had printed out was useless as I made a last-minute decision to use surface roads to get to 2A rather than 128 North because of traffic.

That maneuver saved me just enough time to get lost. I turned right instead of left at a crow-foot intersection onto a road that was helpfully labeled “2A.”

Alas, it was 2A East, not 2A West.

Fortunately, I had been lost in this area before. I reversed course and made my way to the air field. As I drove on 2A (in the correct direction this time), my friend Joe called. You might remember him from our post-game stalking sessions. I had convinced him to come, but it didn’t take much. Unlike me, he printed out the descriptive directions from Hanscom’s web site and read them out loud to me as I carefully cut through the dark Bedford night.

Joe took 128, so I beat him to the parking lot by a few minutes. While I waited, I attempted to get my bearings and decided the building marked “Hanscom Civilian Air Terminal” was the place to go. Luckily, he arrived and pointed out a conspicuous grouping of media vans replete with satellite dishes in the opposite direction. Inviting him was essential.

Since Joe is over six feet tall, I had to run to keep pace with his brisk walk. We made our way to the already-gathered crowd and saw John W. Henry’s Red Sox jet parked with stairs unfurled. Matsuzaka, Boras, Theo Epstein, and Larry Lucchino had already disembarked the plane.

We stood there grinning stupidly, me tiptoeing to try to see the dramatis personae get into their vehicles and Joe being able to see as much as the air traffic controllers in their tower thanks to his height. “Scott Boras sucks!” he pretended to yell.

A woman who probably worked for the Red Sox press relations office came by. “He’s in the first car after the police car. Cheer that one.” Fans with WEEI signs emblazoned with “youkoso,” which means “welcome,” began to stir. A few people toted hand-made signs.

“Cheer loud!” urged the PR martinet. But she couldn’t whip up a frenzy.

Instead, a quiet appreciation was extended. People applauded and a few exclaimed “Welcome to Boston!” I yelled “Welcome to Massachusetts!” and waved excitedly as he passed by. I chose that specific phrase because I didn’t want him to think this tiny airstrip was Boston proper. Right when he was in front of me, he waved...

To me? I like to think so.

His path to the Red Sox, like my drive to Hanscom, wasn’t arrow-straight. But we made it, and that is what matters.

13 December 2006 ∙ 7:56 PM ∙ Essential Empy & Quirky Things ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 2
Tags: driving in Massachusetts ∙ Matsuzaka

Game 80: July 3, 2006
Red Sox (50-30), 0
Devil Rays (36-47), 3
L: Josh Beckett (10-4)
W: Scott Kazmir (10-5)

The best part of last night’s game was Raymond, which says something about how the evening went. For the third time this season the Red Sox went scoreless. Interestingly, the Red Sox have only been on the receiving end of shutouts in the course of year so far. All-Star Scott Kazmir enjoyed his first complete game shutout, throwing 120 pitchers and striking out ten while allowing just two hits and two walks.

In contrast, Josh Beckett continued to be assailed by the longball. All three of the Tampa Bay runs were homers, and not off the bats of the usual sluggers; Russell Branyan hit one in the fifth while Ty Wigginton hit one each in the third and fifth innings.

Before the first pitch, Raymond was shown reading Jerry Remy’s book and demolishing Remy’s bobblehead. Remy seemed to take it in good humor at the time, but this wanted poster has been circulated around St. Petersburg. Raymond has yet to brag of his exploits in his blog, jejunely entitled The Big Blue Blog. I guess it’s difficult to update one’s site while on the lam.

4 July 2006 ∙ 4:52 PM ∙ Essential Empy & July 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 2
Tags: Devil Rays ∙ mascots ∙ Raymond

Game 74: June 27, 2006
Mets (47-29), 4
Red Sox (46-28), 9
L: Alay Soler (2-2)
W: Jon Lester (3-0)

Two years ago rendered 20 years ago, 31 years ago, 39 years ago, and 60 years ago painless.

Two years ago helped us recognize a remarkable set of players throughout the decades, striking mute the litany of failure and putting in its place a rapprochement of teams that could have been with the fans who almost had.

Three years ago Bill Buckner meant E3. Two years ago Buckner meant 22 years of major league service, a 22-season career of .289 batting, .321 OBP, .408 slugging, 2,715 hits, and 174 home runs. And last night it meant a standing ovation at Fenway Park rather than mislaid scorn.

Joe Castiglione was the emcee for the ceremony celebrating the 1986 American League champion team. More succinctly than I Castiglione noted that 2004 enabled Red Sox fans to acknowledge their history in a positive way. “For those who had come before, for those who had come so close.”

Several members of that team were not able to make it: John McNamara, Dave Henderson, Roger Clemens (who was starting for the Astros), Rich Gedman, Bob Stanley, and Buckner. Castiglione made special care to note that the former first baseman was always welcome to return to Fenway.

Those who were there in person: Lou Gorman, Marty Barrett, Oil Can Boyd, Steve Crawford, Pat Dodson, Walt Hriniak (hitting coach), Bruce Hurst, Tim Lollar, Joe Morgan (not that one, of course), Al Nipper, Spike Owen, Ed Romero, Joe Sambito, Calvin Schiraldi, Dave Stapleton, Mike Stenhouse, Marc Sullivan, La Schelle Tarver, Dwight Evans, Jim Rice, and Wade Boggs (who, it shall be noted, wore his New York Yankees World Series ring). Time’s passing has plucked a few hairs and added a couple of inches to waistlines, an amusing counterpoint to the scenes from their near-triumphant season played on the screen

The seven ages of man were surmised in the park’s panorama: infants and children in the stands, rookies Alay Soler and Jon Lester on the mound, battle-weary veterans like Mike Lowell and Jason Varitek soldiering on, umpires acting the judge, along with older umpires representing the aged buffoon, and even older fans who can just barely recall those long-gone teams, but now with something more than mere yearning.

Twenty years from now the details of this game will fade from my memory. But for far longer than twenty years I will remember this ceremony, and how one of my inspirations, Peter Gammons, was stricken by a brain aneurysm on that very day.

This game of baseball can be appreciated on levels grandiose to minuscule, but the importance of games pale in the light of struggling for one’s life. If thoughts and well wishes can speed recovery, all of mine go to Groton’s own Baseball Hall of Fame journalist. Get well, Mr. Gammons.

28 June 2006 ∙ 12:54 PM ∙ Essential Empy & June 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 2

Game 73: June 26, 2006
Phillies (35-40), 7
Red Sox (45-28), 8
BS, L: Clay Condrey (1, 1-2)
H: Javier Lopez (2)
H: Mike Timlin (13)
BS: Jonathan Papelbon (2)
W: Craig Hansen (1-0)
12 innings

Baseball is replete with threes and multiples of threes: three strikes, three bases, three parts of the outfield, nine players on the field and in the lineup, nine innings. Each league has three divisions and a minor league player must be promoted through three levels to reach the big leagues. According to some, batters parse a pitch into three components: sensory gathering, computing, and swinging. Baseball front offices supposedly divide the 162-game season into thirds as well, with the first third learning what the team’s nature is, the second third determining what the team needs and getting it, and the last third fusing the old and new together for the playoff push.

The Red Sox have swept the last three series, each series with three games. And David Ortiz is three times more clutch than your replacement level player. (Okay, I made that last thing up.)

This game had three phases itself. At first we enjoyed a pitchers’ duel with Cory Lidle (or, as my friend called him, “Cy Lidle”) and Tim Wakefield threw goose eggs until the sixth. With the scoring barrages in the bottom of the sixth and top of the seventh, the game entered into the second, offensive stage, with that seventh inning particularly offensive to Boston fans. And finally came the third episode, in which David Ortiz made his case for knighthood (even though there is no order of knights in the United States, one will be established because of him), sainthood (to make the St. Jude Thaddeus and St. Philomena duo a trio), and possibly godhood. Divinity in threes.

How difficult is it to not get fired while listening to a day game at work? Let’s just say I’m expecting a memo from human resources regarding excessive use of vulgarity. If my case is arbitrated by someone who dislikes Rudy Seanez, which is pretty much a lead pipe cinch, I’ll probably get by on just a suspension.

Jonathan Papelbon gave up his first home run to Chase Utley in the ninth inning. It was a cheap hit off of Pesky Pole, too, hardly warranting the term “longball” as it would have sliced foul in any other park. It was Papelbon’s second blown save out of 24 opportunities and his scoreless inning streak of 21 and two-thirds innings ended with a thunk. But the baseball gods are mordant, knavish, and capricious, and in this game granted rookie Craig Hansen his first major league win even though the double he allowed to Jimmy Rollins gave the Phillies the lead.

27 June 2006 ∙ 9:51 AM ∙ Essential Empy & June 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 4

Game 70: June 21, 2006
Nationals (32-42), 3
Red Sox (42-28), 9
L: Shawn Hill (1-2)
W: Jon Lester (5-8)

An imagined conversation between my “friend” Matt of NU50, who got to go to last night’s game, and me:

M: Dude, you should have been there when Papi hit that grand slam in the second inning. It was suh-weet!

J: Oh yeah? Well, Kevin Youkilis was miked up and I got to hear all of the secrets of the Red Sox clubhouse. Youks is hilarious; he was ribbing Tito, asking if Tito got fired, would he get sent down to Triple-A.

M: For Papi’s grand slam, the cheering was so loud I thought the stands would collapse from the vibrational pressure of our voices.

J: Well, since you didn’t get the insider’s view of the dugout that NESN provides, you didn’t see how Ortiz gave Johnny Pesky a great big hug.

M: That’s actually pretty dangerous. Did he compress Pesky into a diamond?

J: [Indignantly] No! Even though they do say Johnny is a gem of a guy.

M: [Groans] I’ll pretend you didn’t say that. That was just cell phone distortion. Incredibly unfunny cell phone distortion.

J: Youk is the best guy to wear a mic. When Soriano reached on a single in the third inning, they chit-chatted about playing left field. They were all, “Yeah, it’s easy.” Then first base coach Davey Lopes came by and tipped off Soriano that Lester’s pickoff tell was that he looked at the runner or dropped his head.

M: Really? That’s pretty interesting... I mean, so? I got to crane my neck for nine innings in my seats from the right field boxes.

J: The broadcast also showed how Al Nipper would talk to Lester after he got off the mound to discuss his approach. Since I can read lips....

M: You can’t read lips!

J: Uh, yeah I can. Nip was saying, “Hey, maybe that girl with the blog will write make-believe letters by you instead of Pauley.”

M: Nuh uh!

J: Yeah huh! And then Lester’s all, “Yeah, what’s up with that dude that’s supposed to write the mojo? He hasn’t done anything in weeks.” Then Nipper said, “Guess he can’t cut it in the blogger big leagues.” Lester nodded in agreement and said, “Slacker!”

M: Whatever. When Trot almost hit a triple in the triangle in the fifth, it was almost as exciting as the grand slam. Did I mention that Papi hit a grand slam? Gotta love that Red Sox offensive machine; they scored more runs in the second and the sixth than the Nats did the entire game.

J: And you got to see your bullpen faves Tavarez and Seanez almost create a save opportunity for Papelbon.

M: Don’t get me started on them. When Seanez took the mound I was tempted to jump the wall and take him down so that he wouldn’t be able to pitch. There were audible groans as both those guys gave up runs.

J: Meanwhile, Delcarmen twirled a perfect eighth.

M: Yeah, I was sending brain waves to Tito, reminding him that he just had a meeting with his young pitchers and told him they were going to be relied on heavily. Guess some of their names just eluded him. Until I used my powers of suggestion, of course.

J: What do you think of the Jason Johnson move?

M: Wish it were a different JJ, as in Josh Johnson. But it’s a warm body that can hurl, unlike Matt Clement and Keith Foulke, the constant inhabitants of the DL.

J: Hey, another JJ is updating her blog, JJ’s Space. Unlike you.

M: What? I can’t hear you over the booming sound of “Dirty Water” coming over the speakers!

22 June 2006 ∙ 7:42 AM ∙ Essential Empy & June 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 2

Game 60: June 11, 2006
Rangers (33-29), 4
Red Sox (36-24), 5
H: Ron Mahay (4)
H: Scott Feldman (4)
BS, L: Akinori Otsuka (2, 2-2)
W: Manny Delcarmen (1-0)

Up until late Saturday night I had no plans to attend this game in person. But I am always game should a friend contact me with tickets, even at the last minute. Too bad about what happened at Troy, but I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Coincidentally, this game was the Sons of Sam Horn’s outing and one of their members got to throw out the first pitch because she was the “Leader of the Pack” (insert motorcycle engine sound effect here).

Am I ever grateful Matt decided to tell me he procured tickets for the first game of the doubleheader on Sunday. Sure, I was 11th or so on the list, but those other 11 folks are despondent that they didn’t get to go. Even though I had to contend with a hungover and disheveled buddy not-so-fresh from a wedding and reception, the game was worth it. Also, it was breezy enough so that any residual fumes wafted away and the bright sun in the bleachers seemed to have blanched away any other unsavory aromas.

I had yet to see Josh Beckett pitch live and was somewhat gratified by his five and one-third inning appearance. Although he gave up an RBI double to Mark DeRosa in the first inning, Kevin Youkilis’s inability to field a relay throw by Alex Gonzalez with Michael Young bearing down on him at first base.

The Red Sox mustered runs of their own early in the game. Manny Ramirez homered to the opposite field, giving fans in the stands a palpable reminder of his 16th roundtripper of the season. Sadly, Matt missed this pivotal play due to a restroom visit. Alcohol is the drink of the devil, people. David Ortiz lofted a single over the shift into center field in the third inning to plate Mark Loretta.

Beckett would not allow another run until the fifth inning when he allowed back-to-back doubles from Rod Barajas and Ian Kinsler to tie the game. The Kinsler double was questionable as third base umpire Paul Schrieber appeared to call the ball foul but was actually fleeing for his life. Home plate umpire Jim Joyce called the ball fair, provoking an extended conversation between Terry Francona and the officials that ended with the extra base hit remaining on the scoreboard. Beckett then allowed a base on balls to Gary Matthews, Jr., but settled to sit Young, Mark Teixeira, and Hank Blalock, issuing strikeouts to the Ranger’s shortstop and third baseman. The sixth inning began promisingly enough with a DeRosa whiff, but Brad Wilkerson walked on five pitches and scored on a Kevin Mench homer deposited into the Monster seats.

David Riske and Manny Delcarmen combined for three and two-thirds scoreless innings, doing their best Mike Timlin impersonations. Delcarmen struck out both Wilkerson and Mench and worked himself out of a jam in the top of the ninth to set the stage for Ortiz.

What Ortiz does is beyond clutch at this point. It’s superhuman. Shaquille O’Neal claims he’s an alien, but the real extraterrestrial is Ortiz. O’Neal says he’s from another planet but Ortiz isn’t even from this galaxy. With Trot Nixon, who had pinch hit for Gonzalez, and Coco Crisp on base with singles and two outs, Ortiz entered the batter’s box with the singular mission of winning the game for his team.

He is so money. And he knows it.

As Ortiz’s home run receded out of my view into the teeming masses in the bleachers, I clapped my hands raw, I hollered my throat dry, and exulted in a glorious day of baseball.

12 June 2006 ∙ 12:45 PM ∙ Essential Empy & June 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 3

Game 58: June 9, 2006
Rangers (32-28), 3
Red Sox (35-23), 4
H: Craig Hansen (1)
BS, W: Jonathan Papelbon (1, 1-1)
L: Francisco Cordero (5-4)

Scene: The All Farm Party convention where Trot Nixon officially confirms that he will run for president of Red Sox Nation and announces his running mate. Signs like “A Nixon You Can Trust,” “Hometown Hero,” and “Hats Off to Trot,” the later with a recreation of Nixon’s grubby cap, jounce joyously in the swarm. Raucous fans erupt into deafening cheers as Nixon takes the podium.

Nixon: My fellow Red Sox Nation citizens. I am here to announce my intention to represent the All Farm Party in opposition to the incumbent president, Larry Lucchino.

[Thunderous applause.]

Nixon: Last night, you witnessed a resurgence of pride and prosperity in our great Nation. With men on first and second in the first inning, I catapulted a three-run homer into the home bullpen.

[Further frenzied laudation. Chants of “Let’s go Nixon!” burst forth. Nixon beckons the crowd to simmer down.]

Nixon: But I wasn’t content to sit idly by, resting on the laurels of early inning performance. I went on to hit in each and every subsequent at bat to bolster our team’s 20th come-from-behind victory.

[Robust cheering.]

Nixon: As you know, offensive prowess is not sufficient to repel the invading Rangers. That is why I have secured the services of Kevin Youkilis, an All Farm Party stalwart, as my confidante in matters of defense. Youkilis has demonstrated nothing but stellar achievement in protecting the Nation from insurgency along our vulnerable borders. He has been able to overcome partisan snipping by working cooperatively with the Former Fish Party leaders like Mike Lowell, Alex Gonzalez, and Josh Beckett to strengthen us.

[Isolated jeers with the mention of the opposition party. Again Nixon quiets the crowd.]

Nixon: A perfect example is the collaboration between Lowell and Youkilis in the eighth inning. The pair forged a connection, a bond. With up and coming All Farm Party star Craig Hansen on the mound--

[Outburst of cheers for Hansen. Nixon allows the hubbub to subside.]

Nixon: With Craig Hansen on the mound, Lowell put aside politics and timed a perfect leap to intercept emerging threat Ian Kinsler, who sharply grounded to him. Youkilis picked the throw perfectly to eliminate the menace.

Lowell and I joined forces in the eighth inning. With the score tied, I singled to advance Manny Ramirez to third base. With party ally Ramirez in position, Lowell sacrificed to right field to drive in the winning score.

[Subdued applause.]

Nixon: All this shows that a president cannot accomplish his job alone. He needs another conjoined in purpose, intensity, and commitment. A man who ascribes to our party’s ideals and is the epitome of all that the All Farm Party represents.

[Audience hushes with anticipation.]

Nixon: And that man has cut a swath of destruction across the batting averages of hitters in late innings since the beginning of the season. That man shattered the records of past relief pitchers. That man propelled himself through the All Farm Party with his blazing fastball. That man will be my running mate in the upcoming presidential election. That man is Jonathan Papelbon.

[The fans jump to their feet and roar their approval. Papelbon shakes the hand of Nixon vigorously. They pose for the photographers.]

Papelbon: Well, y’know, I just, uh, y’know... I accept the nomination!

[The throng laughs appreciatively.]

10 June 2006 ∙ 12:12 PM ∙ Essential Empy & June 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink

Game 56: June 6, 2006
Red Sox (33-23), 1
Yankees (35-22), 2
L: David Pauley (0-1)
W: Chien-Ming Wang (6-2)
H: Kyle Farnsworth (8)
S: Mariano Rivera (12)

Dear David,

Your mother and I just watched the terrific game you pitched against the Yankees. It was really incredible, son. We’re both so proud of you. It’s hard to find the words.

You struck out Slappy Rodriguez in the second and you had a key whiff of that Phillips kid in the fourth with Passedballa on third. Hey, I just looked up Phillips and he’s almost 30!

Speaking of old, don’t feel too bad about Williams hitting that homer off of you in the fifth. You probably don’t remember this since you’re so young, but he was a good player in his prime, which was about 25 years ago. By the way, that curtain call nonsense is ridiculous.

I can’t believe the score was so close! Your team had a lot of chances to score more runs but just didn’t capitalize. If any of them aren’t playing hard behind you because they don’t have faith in me, you just let me know and I’ll be on the first plane there. I’ve got a few words for Rudy Seanez, too, ultimate fighter or no.

Not only did you perform well on the field, but you spoke well and with poise at your postgame interview.

Just be patient, son. Your day will come.
Dad

P.S. from Mom: Davey, you look so thin! Are you eating enough? Did you get the cookies I sent? You could use a haircut, too. I mean, it doesn’t have to be Yankee short, but your sideburns are a little long. Is that something that Jonathan Papelbon told you to do? I like his pitching and all, but his hair...! And what did I tell you about leaving pitches up in the zone against power hitters? Much love, Mom

Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s not Rudy’s fault at all that he walked in the winning run in the seventh. I’ve been kinda beating myself up about not fielding that grounder to me by Cairo. I couldn’t get my glove on it and Lowrider tried to barehand it. All the guys are telling me not to sweat it, but I won’t shirk my responsibility for the loss. I got two outs easily that inning and I didn’t close it out.

Did you see Papi’s homer in the third? After he rounded the bases and came back in the dugout I congratulated him. He calls me “Cookie Monster” and he really loves the oatmeal chocolate chips you make, Mom. Can you send some more? He calls them his energy bars!

Dad, I find it hard to believe Williams was ever any good. Did you see him kicking around the ball Lowell hit to him in the seventh. I’ve seen Sea Dogs bench players field better than that.

Lowell is a great leader for our team. He took some time to come see how I was doing during Josh’s outing last night. He’s sorta obsessed about the hidden ball trick and was trying to convince me to do it at some point during the game. Coach Mills kept on coming by and saying, “Stop trying to do that damn trick play, Lowell! Kid’s got enough on his mind as it is.” Which was very true; I watched hours of video on the Yankees. All that preparation almost paid off with a win.

If only Manny got that ball out of the park. I thought for sure his fly ball in the eighth was gone. That Melky guy got sent all the way down to Double-A after making a pretty bad showing last year in the majors. He’s really come around, though. But not so much he should be making curtain calls. That stuff really annoys me.

Anyway, we’ll see how things go. Boomer may not ever pitch again. And now that MmmBop has been called up, guess who doesn’t have to carry the pink backpack any more? Technically, it should still be me, but Paps and me are making up some arbitrary rule so that Hansen will have to.

Love,
Your Son David

7 June 2006 ∙ 6:56 AM ∙ Essential Empy & June 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 2
Tags: David Pauley epistles ∙ Yankees

Game 51: May 31, 2006
Red Sox (31-20), 8
Blue Jays (29-23), 6
W: Jermaine Van Buren (1-0)
H: Manny Delcarmen (1)
H: Keith Foulke (8)
S: Jonathan Papelbon (19)
L: Ted Lilly (5-5)

Dear Mom and Dad,

Wow, so here I am in the big leagues. I’m pretending like I’m taking notes on the batters I face, like Curt does. I met him earlier today and I said to him, “Hi, Mr Schilling,” and he responded with, “Call me Curt, Paul.” He’s so funny, joking with me like that. I slapped him on the back and said, “Good one, sir!” He made this weird face that was even funnier. These guys are great!

Papi (which is what we call David Ortiz) hit a homer in the first inning, which was more than enough breathing room for this guy. A couple of dudes got on base with singles in the first, but I totally set up the double play to get out of the inning.

The same thing sort of happened in the second inning, too, only this time a run scored because I walked Edgardo Alfonzo with the bases loaded. I swear the ump was squeezing me because I just got called up! Anyway, I got Frank Catalanotto to hit one right to me. I swung around and tossed the ball to Gonzo (the shortstop), placing it just perfectly high and to his left to get him out of the path of the runner. Gonzo made the throw to Youk and I engineered yet another inning-ending double play.

My guys scored two runs in each one of the next three innings. It was so awesome how they came through for me. In the fifth Manny hit a two-run homer. When he got back into the dugout, I gave him a pat on the back to show my thanks. He winked and said, “Hey, where’s the Gatorade?”

“It’s right over there, Manny,” I replied, pointing to the cooler.

He shrugged and said, “That one’s empty, man. Can you go fill it up?”

I finally realized he was joking with me and was pretending he thought I was the ball boy. These guys are such cards!

I did get pulled in the fifth inning. It was a little rough because I walked the leadoff hitter. I got Troy Glaus to pop out in foul territory, but then I gave up three consecutive singles and a triple. Aaron Hill’s three-bagger totally messed up my plan for another double play.

I was pretty bummed I wouldn’t get my first big league win. Mike Timlin came by while I was on the bench and gave me some venison jerky (which he hunted, cut, and cured himself) to cheer me up. While I was chomping down, Prez (Van Buren’s nick), Homeboy (Delcarmen), Foulkie, and Paps went for the next four and two-thirds innings without letting a run score.

Well, the next time you see me pitch it could be against the Yankees at the Toilet. This is my big chance and I’m going to make the most of it.

Love,
Your Son David

2 June 2006 ∙ 6:46 AM ∙ Essential Empy & May 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 4
Tags: Blue Jays ∙ David Pauley epistles

Game 41: May 21, 2006
Red Sox (25-16), 5
Phillies (23-20), 10
L: Lenny DiNardo (1-2)
W: Cory Lidle (4-4)

Manny Ramirez is rubbing off on Wily Mo Peña, and not just in terms of power hitting. In the fourth inning the center fielder shushed the crowd after he nabbed Pat Burrell air ball that tailed away from him towards the fences. Just as Ramirez had done on May 10th, Peña put his finger to his lips, Allen Iverson style, so Philadelphia fans should be familiar with this move.

Unlike the Patriots in the AFC divisional playoff game in January 2002, the Red Sox did not get the benefit of the tuck rule in the bottom of the sixth. Umpires ruled that Peña didn’t make a catch of Jimmy Rollins’s fly ball to shallow center despite it having been cradled by Peña for at least three strides. Second base umpire Phil Cuzzi and third base umpire Jerry Crawford both made the call. Indeed, Section 2.00 of the official rules defines a catch as

... the act of a fielder in getting secure possession in his hand or glove of a ball in flight and firmly holding it; providing he does not use his cap, protector, pocket or any other part of his uniform in getting possession.... If the fielder has made the catch and drops the ball while in the act of making a throw following the catch, the ball shall be adjudged to have been caught. In establishing the validity of the catch, the fielder shall hold the ball long enough to prove that he has complete control of the ball and that his release of the ball is voluntary and intentional.

There is much more verbage associated with the definition of a catch, but the bolded sentence above shows why the umpires ruled as they did. Interestingly, if Peña was in the act of throwing the ball back into the infield and dropped it, it would have been a catch.

Bobby Abreu relived memories of his bombastic showing in the Home Run Derby last year with his three-run homer in the sixth off the recently recalled Abe Alvarez.

Kevin Youkilis and Mike Lowell had solo roundtrippers in the fifth and sixth respectively, but Cory Lidle pitched just well enough for his fourth win, averting a series sweep by the visiting team. Lidle probably wanted to make sure his tires weren’t slashed as retaliation for a poor performance.

Lowell has adapted his play well for American League play but also showed his senior circuit savvy. In the second inning, Shane Victorino was on third and Cory Lidle was on deck. Victorino was to break for home on contact. Instead of going for the out at first, Lowell threw to home so the run wouldn’t score and also notched the second out of the inning.

Serendipitous happenings seem to gather around Lowell; in the eighth inning he unintentionally drove in a run with a check swing grounder to third. But all the luck in the universe couldn’t overcome Philadelphia’s early lead.

Hopefully Wally’s feelings weren’t hurt when he saw David Ortiz riding with the Phillie Phanatic on the field yesterday. Sure, players may be fickle when they are on the road, but to be unfaithful to Wally after all his hardship seems heartless and cruel. I hope Ortiz has a good explanation for his infidelity. The Phanatic and Wally might share a bond because of their green fur, but the bond of being Red Sox brethren bests such superficialities.

22 May 2006 ∙ 9:57 AM ∙ Essential Empy & May 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 3

Game 39: May 19, 2006
Red Sox (24-15), 5
Phillies (22-19), 3
W: Matt Clement (4-3)
H: Keith Foulke (4)
H: Mike Timlin (11)
S: Jonathan Papelbon (15)
L: Jon Lieber (3-5)

Our Papi, who art at first base, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy home runs come. Thy arm be gun, in Citizens Bank Park as it is in Fenway. Give us this day our daily RBI. And forgive Francona his trespasses, As we forgive those Phillie fans who trespass against us. And lead us not into frustration, But deliver us from upheaval. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

David Ortiz made the sign of the cross after cleanly fielding Jimmy Rollins’s biting grounder for the first Phillie out of the game. Next Matt Clement enticed Chase Utley to whiff, but those would be the easiest outs of the inning. Bobby Abreu doubled to wall in left field, where Manny Ramirez lay in wait and was about to make one of his patented “How ’Bout That” catches but was inches short. The erratic Red Sox starter walked the next batter and hit Ryan Howard to load the bases, but the foray was staunched by Shane Victorino’s fly out to center.

Victorino, who is from Maui, just like me, did hit the Phillies’ only home run of the game in the fourth inning. Philadelphia rallied in the seventh with Utley’s two-out, two-run double off Keith Foulke. But Terry Francona kept Foulke in to punch out Abreu to end the resurgence.

The way of the Philadelphia team thus far seems that they have just enough talent to make it interesting but fall just short of division leader material. They trail the Mets, a team that broke the bank to complete, by three games. How do they stack up in the National League?

• Eleventh in OBP: .335
• Sixth in slugging percentage: .438
• Eighth in strikeouts against: 273
• Fifth in home runs: 52
• Seventh in ERA: 4.44
• Eighth in strikeouts for: 272
• Fourteenth in WHIP: 1.46

Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek, and Ortiz homered for the Red Sox, with the acting first baseman’s roundtripper almost reaching the upper deck. Hit Tracker stated that it was only 425 feet; it may not have been the farthest but it was supremely lofty in its trajectory, almost enough to convene with the heavens.

In more earthly matters, in the bottom of the ninth Dustan Mohr found himself as the fourth outfielder, a bit like Joe Maddon’s defensive alignment for Ortiz, but with an extra player. In his postgame interview, Terry Francona drawled that it wasn’t the case that Mohr didn’t understand the double switch, since it wasn’t in effect. Rather, Mohr was misled by the public address announcer who said that he would be replacing Willie Harris at center.

I may be a traditionalist in many ways, but I think both leagues should use the designated hitter. Probably because I’m used to how the American League works and I’ve read the explanation for double switches a few times and it still seems bizarre. Abolish the double switch!

20 May 2006 ∙ 8:35 AM ∙ Essential Empy & May 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 1

One of the big lies demographics experts tell sports media machines is that that sports fans want a player that is all flash, no substance. These marketeers tell oblivious programming heads that the public wants sound bites, not hard-bitten play on the field. The more scandalous, extreme, and tawdry, the better. Twenty-four hour non-stop coverage in every conceivable mode of communication predicates the constant prowl for the next greatest, biggest, shiniest thing to catch the ever-more-distracted viewer’s eye and ear.

The truth is, sports fans probably want a mixture of both outrageous plays and extravagant sayings. Which might be why Nomar Garciaparra seems globally misunderstood and underappreciated.

Nomar is the epitome of throwback baseball. He doesn’t rehearse speeches, cares not a whit about which lighting angle flatters him most. His postgame interviews are a litany of clichés and platitudes. He is a tremendous baseball talent in a market that craves, nay, demands to have its every whim catered. Not just plain catering from the local restaurant, either: full spreads with Cristal champagne fountains, ice sculptures of Versailles, and entrées (yes, “entrées,” not plain old “entrees”) comprised of the meat of endangered game.

No, Nomar will not be your server for this evening.

Garciaparra began his first season as the Dodgers’ first baseman on April 22nd. Since that day, he has a .341 batting average, a .418 OBP, and .647 slugging percentage, with five home runs in 85 at bats.

Slowly but surely, salvos that Nomar could have released in the public relations war with certain parties of the Red Sox front office are coming to light, as this quote from Nick Cafardo’s recent article in the Boston Globe illustrates:

One of Garciaparra’s ex-teammates in Boston said the Dodgers and Yankees made the same offer, but Garciaparra chose LA because, “He always considers himself a Red Sox. That’s one thing people don’t understand about Nomar. He would have never signed with the Yankees because he always thought of himself as a Red Sox player.”

Everyone’s clamoring for Roger Clemens to come back. But I wouldn’t mind seeing Nomar return for his final seasons as a designated hitter for the Red Sox. Like Nomar himself, I will always think of him as a Red Sox player.

17 May 2006 ∙ 2:55 PM ∙ Around Baseball & Essential Empy ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 3

Game 26: May 1, 2006
Yankees (13-11), 3
Red Sox (15-11), 7
L: Aaron Small (0-1)
W: Mike Timlin (3-0)

With all the hype around the returns of Johnny Damon and Doug Mirabelli, the real story of the evening eluded attention. Incendiary closer Jonathan Papelbon locked horns with fireballer Kyle Farnsworth in an MLB 2K6 duel. The Red Sox won 4-2 by virtue of Papelbon’s pair of homers in the visitor’s half of the ninth. As the virtual game took place in Yankee Stadium, the rookie closer brought himself in to shut down the Yankees in the bottom of the final inning for the win. The last time I saw something as odd was when Paul Pierce was doing a promotion at the Burlington Mall Electronics Boutique a few years ago. Playing oneself in a video game must be the ultimate ego trip.

Seemingly in a panicked state, the Red Sox traded Josh Bard, Cla Meredith, and either cash or a player to be named later to San Diego for backup catcher Mirabelli. As details emerged, Theo Epstein had been in contact with the Padres as early as a week ago to retrieve the erstwhile backstop.

Mirabelli hopped on a plane from San Francisco to Logan Airport, where a police detail awaited him. He dressed into his home whites in the state police utility vehicle that swerved into the player’s parking lot just in time to return to his role as Tim Wakefield’s battery mate. As much as I appreciate Mirabelli for all that he has done and probably will do for the team, San Diego played the heartstrings of the Red Sox while tampering with their purse strings for this sweetheart deal.

Furthermore, it was reported that the Yankees also attempted to finagle Mirabelli from the Padres. In no other division would there be such a tussle over a backup catcher.

So, given the strained relations between the two titans of the AL East, it should come as no surprise that former Red Sox center fielder Damon had scorn heaped upon him like no other. At least Roger Clemens had those intervening years with the Blue Jays. With Damon, there was no buffer. For all that he did for the Red Sox from 2002 to 2005, Damon received minimal positive acknowledgment in his first at bat and was lustily mocked throughout the game. Damon did tip his helmet when he led off the first.

Fans were tremendously creative with their demonstrations against Damon. One had a sign upon which Damon, with his formerly bedraggled locks, looked a bit like Charles Manson. Instead of the swastika, there was the “interlocking NY” logo. Bleacher fans slung fake money onto the warning track. The fitful wind toyed with the replica bills just as it did the fly balls that dared exit the field.

The teams entered the opening game neck and neck in the standings. The even matching of the clubs played out on the field as the score was tied for two late innings.

The Red Sox took an early lead in the first inning. Kevin Youkilis walked on four straight balls from Chien-Ming Wang; the first baseman advanced to second on Mark Loretta’s ground out to second. With the shift on, David Ortiz took a pitch to the opposite field to drive in Youkilis. This would not be the last we would hear from the Red Sox designated hitter.

Wang seemed to have a Contrerian moment; he walked the next two batters to load the bases. The young pitcher was bailed out by Miguel Cairo’s fielding of a Mike Lowell hit, which he deftly relayed to home for the second out of the inning. Bubba Crosby dove for a last second nab of Wily Mo Peña’s liner to right and Wang would live to see another four innings of work.

Despite his defensive prowess, Crosby hobbled his team’s chances in the third inning with an ill-advised theft attempt with Damon at the dish. Mirabelli gunned Crosby out at second base. Wakefield showcased remarkably spaz-free running with his fielding of Damon’s grounder for the third and final out of that inning as the knuckleballer managed to tag the Yankee center fielder in a scurry down the first base line.

But New York would wrest away the lead in the fourth inning. Derek Jeter led off with a single and Wakefield walked the next two batters to load the bases. Singles by Hideki Matsui and Robinson Cano would generate three runs. It appeared Loretta could have knocked down Cano’s grounder up the middle, but the Red Sox second baseman would redeem himself multiple times by the end of the game.

Alex Cora ably demonstrated the art of the drag bunt to lead off the fifth. Youkilis arced a hit into right field but Loretta’s bunt attempt resulted in Cora being forced out at third. Ortiz again wore out the left field, this time to load the bases. Manny Ramirez mirrored Ortiz’s opposite field strategy to drive in Youkilis. Trot Nixon’s ground ball would plate Loretta to even the run tally.

Defensive gems kept Boston in the game. Loretta aborted a possible Jason Giambi leadoff base hit in the sixth, nimbly nabbing a liner while playing deep in the shift. In the eighth, the home team turned a superb double play. Giambi grounded to Loretta who niftily tossed to Youkilis. For some reason, perhaps to deke the infielders, Jeter overshot second base. Cora immediately noted Jeter’s misplay and blocked second base from the shortstop’s attempted return.

The Yankees bullpen unraveled in the bottom of the eighth. Aaron Small began the inning promisingly enough by inducing Mirabelli to ground out to second. He then walked Cora on four consecutive balls. Willie Harris, reprising the role of Dave Roberts, pinch ran for Cora. After two pickoffs, Small nailed Youkilis in the elbow, prompting Joe Torre to call on Tanyon Sturtze for relief.

Worcester’s own Sturtze didn’t provide the needed ministration; Loretta delivered a ground ball single to center field. Ironically enough, it was a grounder that Cano could have knocked down, just like the hit Loretta permitted in the fourth.

Very few men could overpower the stiff breeze in last night, and Ortiz proved he was one of them. Mike Myers was brought in the eighth for the express purpose of getting Ortiz out. The sidearm lefty fell behind in the count 2-0, throwing gingerly to the paradigm of designated hitters. Ortiz let the third pitch cross the plate for the strike. If hitters do set up pitchers, this situation certainly felt like a frame job. Myers hurled another ball while Ortiz placidly observed his quarry. Big Papi fouled off one pitch before recalibrating and jacking the sixth pitch into the Red Sox bullpen. Papelbon, who would come into the ninth inning and pitch yet another scoreless inning, caught the ball and gave a fortunate fan a souvenir.

I have tickets to tonight’s game, but I wonder if it will be played. Even if it isn’t, memories of last night will suffice until the next series in the middle of this month. The only pity is that Wakefield did not pick up the win despite going seven innings with a line of four hits, three earned runs, three walks, and two strikeouts. And some may say it was because of Wakefield’s confidence in Mirabelli behind the plate, or that the Yankees always fall prey to the flittering knuckleball, or even because of the emphatic gusts of the night. But getting run support, albeit late, is the primary reason Wakefield had a chance to chalk up his second win of the season.

2 May 2006 ∙ 10:16 AM ∙ Essential Empy & May 2006 Game Comments ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 5

All religions, arts, and sciences are branches of the same tree.
Albert Einstein

Baseball is like a religion to me, one that combines ineffable artistry and infallible science in a single medium. My days as a ballplayer were some of the best times of my life and those memories will never leave me. The reminiscences are still so vibrant to me: I can recall the smell of the freshly-shorn field and hot dogs, the sound of the ball smacking into the catcher’s mitt and the gruff voices of vendors, the brilliant white of the foul lines receding into cheerful yellow of the foul poles. And the feelings: the cinch of the belt around my waist, my cap snug around my temple, and the reassuring heft of the rosin bag in my palm.

The rosin bag is one of the few foreign objects permitted to remain on the field during play. You’ll see it perched on the back of the mound, perpetually within the reach of hurlers. Pitchers like me use it to enhance their grip on the ball. The powder provides the proper balance of dryness and tackiness that is essential for the pitcher to feel comfortable with his release. Every pitcher has his or her idea of the ideal combination of slickness and friction; the amount of rosin assists in calibrating the touch.

Like so many of the implements of baseball, rosin has its origins in the pine tree. In fact, rosin does carry the distinctive tang of conifers. Just as maple syrup is tapped, resin from pine trees is collected. Resins from different types of trees are collected, and each manufacturer has its own secret combinations.

The sap is then distilled into turpentine, the volatile solvent, and rosin. Rosin is processed differently for its varied uses. For luthiers, rosin is mixed with beeswax and particles of precious metals to alter the tone of their musical instruments. Baseball rosin bags have humbler companions such as cornstarch or talc.

Another name for rosin is “colophon,” from the Ionian city of the same name which was once known as the primarily as the exporter of the substance. The meaning of colophon evolved to be associated with printing and books, probably because of the use of rosin as a fixative for inks. The word now refers to the back matter of publications which describes the typeface and any other production details of a book but also is the name for any publishing house’s trademark. RoSIN, an abbreviation of RetroSheet Intraplay Notation, is a subset of the language created to power RetroSheet and is attempting to be the standard syntax for describing baseball plays electronically.

Words and baseball, like the interplay between pitcher and catcher--always passing meanings and ideas between each other, semaphorically and metaphorically.

Every Friday, Dave McCarty will join us to discuss a topic of interest to him and probably no one else but the author of this site.

28 April 2006 ∙ 3:03 PM ∙ Dave’s Diegeses & Essential Empy ∙ Permalink

LEFTY: Shortly after I became a full-fledged mascot, just days from being less than mote of lint on the knitting needle of my maker, I felt pressure from society to be a boy or a girl. “You have such pretty smile,” they’d say. “That must mean you’re a girl.” Or, “What a masculine chin you have; you’ll make a strapping young man.”

Things just aren’t so cut and dry these days. Mascots the world over are exerting their right to express or renounce the gender roles ascribed to them. The equipment you’re given should not determine if you entertain in a masculine or feminine manner. Really, what constitutes what is manly or womanly anyway? These characteristics originate in societal norms and perceptions and are not essential aspects of nature.

I think the best mascots traverse gender roles with a blink of their ostrich feather eyelashes. One second you’ll see the Phillie Phanatic flirting with an umpire and the next it’s ogling a female fan in the stands. (Hmm, notice how it is just assumed that an umpire would be male? Anyway, that’s another topic for another week.) Would anyone question the fitness of the Hall of Famer Philadelphia Phillies mascot as a role model for children?

On behalf of the Phanatic and other gender-oppressed mascots, I proclaim: “Philadelphia freedom!” From restrictive gender stereotyping, that is.

RIGHTY: God made men and women separate and different for a reason. Now people make a mockery of this symmetry with these polymorphously perverse mascots. In Cincinnati, this Gapper character traipses about the field. But what is it? Man, woman, something in between? It’s very undefined nature will rend asunder society as we know it.

If you go up to Milwaukee, you’ll see a real man’s man, Bernie Brewer. Down in San Diego, they have the Swinging Friar, another perfect paradigm of the properly demarcated and different positions men and women should have in today’s world.

We’re role models for children. It’s confusing enough to be a child in such perilous times. Predators lurk everywhere, from the dark corners of suburbia to the weekend getaway beaches. Have you seen the increasing rates of bear and shark attacks?

Indeed, it’s dangerous to be a child these days. Which is why we shouldn’t be distracting them by filling their heads with willy-nilly notions of it not being important if you’re a boy or a girl. Of course it’s crucial; how else will children know whether to seriously pursue a career like a man or learn the intricacies of housekeeping and raising children as a woman? Let’s save them a lot of needless stress and worry. Show them what they should be, not what they can be.

“Lefty & Righty” is a blatant rip-off of the Onion’s Point/Counterpoint feature, but new and improved with the inclusion of Red Sox mascots. Love it, like it, hate it? Let me know if you think this should be a regular.

Continue reading “Lefty & Righty: On Transgendered Mascots” »

22 April 2006 ∙ 6:25 PM ∙ Essential Empy & Humor ∙ Permalink
Tags: Lefty & Righty

Deliver me out of the mire,
and let me not sink:
let me be delivered from them that hate me,
and out of the deep water
Psalm 69:14

If you’ve ever been lucky enough to snag a foul ball or gopher ball in the stands, you would have noticed it’s not flawlessly white, even if it it hadn’t been through the rigors of play. This is because every ball used in major and minor league play is first treated with Lena Blackburne Original Baseball Rubbing Mud.

To make myself useful around the Red Sox clubhouse, in case I get a call that they need help or whatnot, I’ve been teaching myself some new skills that may come in handy. One thing I’ve been mastering is the art of rubbing baseballs. But before one acquires the expertise necessary to prepare a ball for play, one must understand who Lena Blackburne is and what makes him famous.

Blackburne started off as a shortstop for the Chicago White Sox in 1910. In the course of his 17-year career the itinerant infielder also played for the Cincinnati Reds and the Boston Braves. After his playing career ceased, he settled in as the third base coach under Connie Mack for the Philadelphia Athletics from 1933 to 1954.

At the time, there was no standard substance with which to de-slick balls. You see, new baseballs are just too shiny and slick for pitchers to grip. Umpires would use everything from tobacco juice to shoe polish, but nothing donned the ball with the right touch. Blackburne took it upon himself to find the alkahest to the pitchers’ baseball woes.

Somewhere ensconced in the anonymous mires of a Delaware River tributary there is a sanctum of incomparable muck. Blackburne chanced upon this champion lode of ooze that was perfectly suited to the task of breaking in balls. It enrobed the ball with its smooth consistency, described as a cross between “chocolate pudding and whipped cold cream.” By 1938, Blackburne supplied the American League with his clandestine conconction. Being a stalwart supporter of the American League, he actually refused to sell the mud to the National League until the 1950s.

I don’t like to turn to our divisional rivals, but in this situation I had to seek the supreme guru of craft. I went Baltimore on a sojourn to mentor with Ernie Tyler, ball man. Mr. Tyler, the real iron man of the Orioles, has worked 3,699 consecutive games as of April 20th. He has been with the team since 1954 and has been the clubhouse attendant since 1960. Mr. Tyler likes to prepare around 80 balls a game, but for Fenway, I would up it to 100. Not only does one ensure a uniform color and texture, but one must also check for defects on the spheres. The omniscient slime exposes blemishes that would otherwise go unnoticed.

It’s odd how, in this case, you must sully something to make it proper.

Every Friday, Dave McCarty will join us to discuss a topic of interest to him and probably no one else but the author of this site and perhaps some readers of the Boston Phoenix.

21 April 2006 ∙ 4:02 PM ∙ Dave’s Diegeses & Essential Empy ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 3

Game 15: April 19, 2006
Devil Rays (7-8), 1
Red Sox (11-4), 9
L: Doug Waechter (0-1)
W: Curt Schilling (4-0)

Cast
Tina Cervasio, ingénue under pressure
Don Orsillo, starstruck announcer boy
Jerry Remy, grizzled veteran
Rene Russo, established Hollywood starlet
Ty Wigginton, Devil Rays utilityman

[Cheesy infotainment musical opening. Flashy graphics package swoops across the screen trumpeting “Red Sox Moxie,” a show where baseball and celebrities collide.]

ORSILLO: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the second game of a three-game series against the Devil Rays. When Boston last tangled with Tampa Bay, tempers flared and suspensions were delivered. [Clip of the Julian Tavarez/Joey Gathright incident.] Jerry, what can we expect from this match-up?

REMY: Well, Don, the Devil Rays have new ownership and management, but all of the same old problems. They’ve got a stacked lineup, particularly in the outfield, but no pitching. Tonight’s starting pitcher, Doug Waechter, has started two games and has no wins. So far this season he’s pitched for nine and two-thirds innings with a 3.72 ERA.

ORSILLO: That’s not too bad.

REMY: Well, it’s good for the Devils Rays’ pitching staff.

ORSILLO: This is true. Tina, you’ve got some news for us?

CERVASIO: Thanks, Don. I was talking to some Devil Rays players before the game and they tell me playing for a new owner, general manager, and field manager has been uplifting so far. The Devil Rays squad tells me that because expectations are low, the team doesn’t feel the pressure that one would in a high-profile franchise where every person associated with the team is analyzed daily under a microscope.

[Cut to interview clip of CERVASIO with TY WIGGINTON.]

CERVASIO: So, what’s the real estate market like in Florida?

WIGGINTON: Real cheap. And you know there’s no state income tax.

CERVASIO: And they’re as laid back as you say they are?

WIGGINTON: Yeah, nothing like Pittsburgh. That place was like a pressure cooker. This place is like so intense. I don’t know how I’m going to handle playing in left field here. Those fans over there [gestures to CVS Family section] are all over me.

[Cut back to ORSILLO and REMY.]

ORSILLO: Quite interesting.

CERVASIO: [Uncharacteristically glum.] They tell me that no one even knows the name or even cares about the sideline reporter on their local broadcasts.

ORSILLO: Thanks very much, Tina. I hear you have a noteworthy guest with you today?

CERVASIO: In Tampa, there’s no “Weiner Whiner Line” that ridicules you, or fan message boards that criticize every aspect of your performance on a nightly basis.

ORSILLO: I see. And your surprise guest...?

CERVASIO: Nope, no pressure in Florida. Plus, a lot of the folks I know from New Jersey live down there already. It’s like Yankee Stadium south.

REMY: Lots of snowbird retirees down there. All pulling their pants up high, like the new Wally. Don’t forget, you can get Wally and other fine merchandise at The Remy Report. Early bird menu not included.

ORSILLO: [Clears throat.] So, Tina, I hear you’ve got film star Rene Russo with you.

CERVASIO: [Suddenly chirpy.] Rene Russo, star of the Lethal Weapon and Major League series, is here tonight. So, how do you feel about being here at Fenway?

RUSSO: It’s just great. I came specifically to be here and finally watch a game in person.

CERVASIO: Do you have any predictions for this game?

RUSSO: Schilling’s going to go six innings with six hits, one earned run, one walk, and seven strikeouts.

CERVASIO: Which Red Sox batters do you think are going to score a lot of points?

RUSSO: You mean runs? Well, I think Youk is going to continue on his tear and go three for four with two RBIs, including a homer. Lowell will abuse the wall with his line drive doubles and also drive in two runs. I’ve been keeping my eye on that Wigginton kid. He’s all shook up about his first start in the outfield here, so look for him to commit some key errors.

CERVASIO: Back to you, Don and Jerry!

ORSILLO: [To production crew.] Could you send Rene Russo to the booth? I’d really love to take a picture with her....

[REMY rolls eyes.]

20 April 2006 ∙ 12:18 PM ∙ April 2006 Game Comments & Essential Empy ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 2

Game 13: April 17, 2006
Mariners (6-8), 6
Red Sox (9-4), 7
H: Jake Woods (2)
BS: J.J. Putz (1)
BS, L: Eddie Guardado (1, 0-1)
W: Mike Timlin (1)

Have you ever witnessed something so perfect and of such beauty that you were hesitant to commit words to paper, brush to canvas, voice to notes, for fear of failing utterly in the attempt to convey what you saw?

It’s no stretch to say that, after 2004, all Red Sox fans share this in common--a far better legacy than contrived curses or maladroit management. When you see something so wonderfully implausible, you wonder if, in the retelling, some of that magic will dissipate. But then you realize, no, you should recount said events, even if only for the selfish pleasure of reliving such feats.

The comeback win on Patriots Day had a trace of July 24, 2004 about it. Sure, it’s only April and it was against the Mariners. But when there are retrospectives of 2006, this game could be heralded as the game where everything came together.

Lenny DiNardo made his second major league start, a sport start in a top-heavy pitching rotation. I did see his first start in September of last year; I wish I could have been on hand for his second. He went five innings with a line of six hits, two earned runs, and one each of bases on balls and strikeouts.

The Mariners scored first thanks to Ichiro Suzuki hit DiNardo’s second pitch over Manny Ramirez, who, as usual, was playing shallow, for a leadoff double. Ichiro, who could advance a base when a pitcher scratches his nose, proceeded to third base Jose Lopez’s 1-3 ground out. Raul Ibanez then lofted a sacrifice fly to left field, Ramirez at the ready for a play at home. The left fielder’s throw was accurate but Suzuki was too fast. 1-0, Mariners.

Gil Meche is one of those run-of-the-mill righties hitters like David Ortiz feast on. With two out and the count full, David Ortiz propelled a ball into the camera hut in the center field bleachers to tie the game going into the second inning, 1-1.

Adrian Beltre reached first DiNardo’s only walk of the game. It would prove costly as Seattle’s third baseman scored on Yuniesky Betancourt’s fly ball double to center field. Alex Cora displayed transcendental game awareness when netting Suzuki’s grounder: instead of attempting to throw to Kevin Youkilis to get the out at first, he trapped Betancourt in a rundown. Cora along with infield accomplices Mike Lowell and Mark Loretta ensnared the sophomore shortstop for the third out of the second inning. Suzuki was left stranded at first, but the Red Sox failed to keep the game tied. Seattle led 2-1 going into the bottom of the second.

Perhaps overly anxious after his brief respite, Trot Nixon fell behind 0-2 in his first at bat. He then evened the count watching two pitches miss low. Meche tried to go low and away, but Nixon was able to single to right field and advanced on Jason Varitek’s ground out to second base. The Boston right fielder was perfectly positioned to score on Cora’s short fly to center. The Mariners’ second baseman Lopez had pursued the ball just deep enough into the outfield to allow Cora to leg out a double since none of Lopez’s infield covered second base on the play.

The game would remain knotted at 2-2 until the sixth inning. Rudy Seanez struck out the first two batters he faced, Ibanez and Richie Sexson, with just 10 pitches. Then rookie catching standout Kenji Johjima (called variously by Jerry Remy as “Joe Jama” or “Jojimer”) dispatched a fly ball single to center field, scoring when the all-too-familiar Carl Everett jacked a two-run roundtripper off Pesky Pole. The teeter-totter tipped again in the Mariners’ favor, 4-2.

The Red Sox played “our DH is better than your DH” in the bottom of the sixth. Ortiz retorted with a two-run blast of his own with Youkilis on base. Boston could have taken the lead had Ramirez’s fly ball off the wall not missed clearing the Monster by just a foot. Instead, the game headed into the seventh inning with a 4-4 draw.

The tie was quickly effaced. Cora, despite his earlier heroics, erred on a Willie Bloomquist liner. The Mariners utilityman went then went station to station on a Betancourt sacrifice bunt, stole third base, and scored on Suzuki’s ground out to second base.

Trailing 5-4, Ortiz nearly evened the score again with his olympian fly ball to right. Instead, Suzuki cleanly fielded the ball just in front of the visitors’ bullpen. Nixon then proved that the rest did not rust his skills; he placed himself into scoring position with a two-out double that bounded along the first base line before trickling into right field. Varitek’s gutshot grounder past the diving Lopez drove in Nixon to, yet again, tie the score.

Keith Foulke got Everett to fly out to left but then allowed two consecutive singles to Beltre and Bloomquist. Bloomquist’s single was a particularly sharp grounder up the middle that advanced Beltre to third base. With one out and runners at the corners, Mike Timlin entered the fray.

Timlin yielded the go-head run to pinch-hitting Roberto Petagine, who the Red Sox may have been more familiar with had he been allowed any playing time last season. Petagine’s ground out to second base scored Beltre. Suzuki was then intentionally walked to get to the slumping Lopez, who impatiently swung at every thrown pitch and quickly struck out.

Boston trailed 6-5 going into the bottom ninth inning. Wily Mo Peña and Dustan Mohr both struck out to Almost Everyday Eddie Guardado. The left-handed closer came within one strike of sealing the Red Sox’s fate, going up on Youkilis 0-2. But Youkilis muscled a ball into play on and just beat out a throw by Lopez for an infield single.

Loretta watched two pitches miss the zone and on the third pitch he saw hit his first walk-off home run at any level. His first circuit clout as Red Sox player soared into the Monster Seats to grant a fan a souvenir and a his team a win.

Like heavyweight fighters exchanging blows in a championship bout, each team rallied back after falling behind in a repartee of RBIs. Morever, the Red Sox proved they can win both tight games and offensive face-offs.

Is it really only April?

18 April 2006 ∙ 11:02 AM ∙ April 2006 Game Comments & Essential Empy ∙ Permalink ∙ Comments: 4

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.
Adam Sandler

It’s good to be back, diegesis devotees. I had a productive offseason by taking some chemistry courses. The word “chemistry,” in case you didn’t know, has its roots in the Greek χημεια (chumeia), which could be the origin for the precursor of chemistry, alchemy, via the Arabic الكيمياء, which is pronounced “al-kīmiyaˀ.”

All that I learned in my studies has greatly aided me in understanding the potential assets and impediments in the Red Sox clubhouse this year. Sure, some people say that chemistry is overrated, but I happen to think through careful observation and tracking of observable phenomena, the supposedly capricious nature of human behavior can be equated to chemical reactions. To wit:

• Josh Bard: NH₄Cl (ammonium chloride)
  For Bard, I describe more what he should become rather than what he is. Ammonium chloride is embedded into soldering wires to help the lead and tin parts of the wire flow when melted, joining together disparate parts. Bard must similarly become the conduit for Wakefield’s knuckleball and the strike zone, merging them together into a seamless whole.
• Josh Beckett: C₃H₅N₃O₉ (nitroglycerin)
  Beckett’s explosive power on the mound can only be described as dynamite. Unlike his chemical compound counterpart, however, the righty’s blast selectively demolishes only opposing hitters.
• Matt Clement: Pb(N₃)₂ (lead azide)
  Clement, despite his calm demeanor, is potentially explosive. He can be, like his chemical equivalent, the active ingredient in detonators to unleash massive devastation on opponents’ lineups. But he isn’t the primary explosive.
• Coco Crisp: KNaC₄H₄O₆·4H₂O (potassium sodium tartrate)
  Can you smell what Coco Crisp is baking? Those sweet wins can’t be made without a little efferevesence, which is what baking powder does for our favorite desserts.
• Lenny DiNardo: Gd2O3 (gadolinium oxide)
  When a pitcher has a meltdown on the mound, Terry Francona turns to DiNardo. When there is a nuclear reaction, good old gadolinium oxide is used in control rods to avoid an atomic catastrophe.
• Keith Foulke: Pu (plutonium)
  Once a dangerous weapon and now some say he is on the verge of a meltdown. We all hope not, but the signs are there.
  
• Alex Gonzalez: C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁ (sucrose)
  When I see Gonzalez field, my immediate thought: Sweet.
  
• Mark Loretta: Caesium (Cs)
  Reliable and and steady, caesium is used in atomic clocks because that is the agreed element in the International System of Measurements definition of a second (9,192,631,770 cycles of the radiation which corresponds to the transition between two energy levels of the ground state of the ¹³³Cs atom). Some of its isotopes are also used in the treatment of cancer. Loretta is the caesium of the team, dependable and curative.
• Mike Lowell: CO₂ (carbon dioxide)
  You could see Lowell as the byproduct of respiration, an unwanted compound in the vital act of resuscitating this team. But, as carbon dioxide is critical to plants, so could the veteran third baseman be crucial to the development of the greener players on the roster.
• Trot Nixon: H₂S (hydrogen sulfide)
  What else is smelly and the result of biomatter breaking down with the presence of oxygen? Breathing hydrogen sulfide c