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Essential Empy

Home » Essential Empy & May 2006 Game CommentsJune 2006 » Initiation


Game 51: May 31, 2006
Red Sox (31-20), 8
Blue Jays (29-23), 6
W: Jermaine Van Buren (1-0)
H: Manny Delcarmen (1)
H: Keith Foulke (8)
S: Jonathan Papelbon (19)
L: Ted Lilly (5-5)

Dear Mom and Dad,

Wow, so here I am in the big leagues. I’m pretending like I’m taking notes on the batters I face, like Curt does. I met him earlier today and I said to him, “Hi, Mr Schilling,” and he responded with, “Call me Curt, Paul.” He’s so funny, joking with me like that. I slapped him on the back and said, “Good one, sir!” He made this weird face that was even funnier. These guys are great!

Papi (which is what we call David Ortiz) hit a homer in the first inning, which was more than enough breathing room for this guy. A couple of dudes got on base with singles in the first, but I totally set up the double play to get out of the inning.

The same thing sort of happened in the second inning, too, only this time a run scored because I walked Edgardo Alfonzo with the bases loaded. I swear the ump was squeezing me because I just got called up! Anyway, I got Frank Catalanotto to hit one right to me. I swung around and tossed the ball to Gonzo (the shortstop), placing it just perfectly high and to his left to get him out of the path of the runner. Gonzo made the throw to Youk and I engineered yet another inning-ending double play.

My guys scored two runs in each one of the next three innings. It was so awesome how they came through for me. In the fifth Manny hit a two-run homer. When he got back into the dugout, I gave him a pat on the back to show my thanks. He winked and said, “Hey, where’s the Gatorade?”

“It’s right over there, Manny,” I replied, pointing to the cooler.

He shrugged and said, “That one’s empty, man. Can you go fill it up?”

I finally realized he was joking with me and was pretending he thought I was the ball boy. These guys are such cards!

I did get pulled in the fifth inning. It was a little rough because I walked the leadoff hitter. I got Troy Glaus to pop out in foul territory, but then I gave up three consecutive singles and a triple. Aaron Hill’s three-bagger totally messed up my plan for another double play.

I was pretty bummed I wouldn’t get my first big league win. Mike Timlin came by while I was on the bench and gave me some venison jerky (which he hunted, cut, and cured himself) to cheer me up. While I was chomping down, Prez (Van Buren’s nick), Homeboy (Delcarmen), Foulkie, and Paps went for the next four and two-thirds innings without letting a run score.

Well, the next time you see me pitch it could be against the Yankees at the Toilet. This is my big chance and I’m going to make the most of it.

Your Son David


Hilarious, Empy.

Thanks, Witchy.

I actually could have interviewed David Pauley when I was up in Portland. At the time no one had an inkling that he would be taking a turn in the Red Sox rotation.

"I finally realized he was joking with me and was pretending he thought I was the ball boy. These guys are such cards!"

...And then he send me off to find a key to the batter's box, which I tried to do in earnest but after several moments and dozens of snickers from my new teammates later, I came to find out it was some sort of fool's errand. It's only been a day and already I love these guys!

A few guys I know in the Army would send privates around looking for elbow grease, Chem-Light batteries, or a left-handed torque wrench.

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