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Home » Essential Empy & June 2006 Game CommentsJune 2006 » Debate

Debate

Game 70: June 21, 2006
Nationals (32-42), 3
Red Sox (42-28), 9

L: Shawn Hill (1-2)
W: Jon Lester (5-8)

An imagined conversation between my “friend” Matt of NU50, who got to go to last night’s game, and me:

M: Dude, you should have been there when Papi hit that grand slam in the second inning. It was suh-weet!

J: Oh yeah? Well, Kevin Youkilis was miked up and I got to hear all of the secrets of the Red Sox clubhouse. Youks is hilarious; he was ribbing Tito, asking if Tito got fired, would he get sent down to Triple-A.

M: For Papi’s grand slam, the cheering was so loud I thought the stands would collapse from the vibrational pressure of our voices.

J: Well, since you didn’t get the insider’s view of the dugout that NESN provides, you didn’t see how Ortiz gave Johnny Pesky a great big hug.

M: That’s actually pretty dangerous. Did he compress Pesky into a diamond?

J: [Indignantly] No! Even though they do say Johnny is a gem of a guy.

M: [Groans] I’ll pretend you didn’t say that. That was just cell phone distortion. Incredibly unfunny cell phone distortion.

J: Youk is the best guy to wear a mic. When Soriano reached on a single in the third inning, they chit-chatted about playing left field. They were all, “Yeah, it’s easy.” Then first base coach Davey Lopes came by and tipped off Soriano that Lester’s pickoff tell was that he looked at the runner or dropped his head.

M: Really? That’s pretty interesting... I mean, so? I got to crane my neck for nine innings in my seats from the right field boxes.

J: The broadcast also showed how Al Nipper would talk to Lester after he got off the mound to discuss his approach. Since I can read lips....

M: You can’t read lips!

J: Uh, yeah I can. Nip was saying, “Hey, maybe that girl with the blog will write make-believe letters by you instead of Pauley.”

M: Nuh uh!

J: Yeah huh! And then Lester’s all, “Yeah, what’s up with that dude that’s supposed to write the mojo? He hasn’t done anything in weeks.” Then Nipper said, “Guess he can’t cut it in the blogger big leagues.” Lester nodded in agreement and said, “Slacker!”

M: Whatever. When Trot almost hit a triple in the triangle in the fifth, it was almost as exciting as the grand slam. Did I mention that Papi hit a grand slam? Gotta love that Red Sox offensive machine; they scored more runs in the second and the sixth than the Nats did the entire game.

J: And you got to see your bullpen faves Tavarez and Seanez almost create a save opportunity for Papelbon.

M: Don’t get me started on them. When Seanez took the mound I was tempted to jump the wall and take him down so that he wouldn’t be able to pitch. There were audible groans as both those guys gave up runs.

J: Meanwhile, Delcarmen twirled a perfect eighth.

M: Yeah, I was sending brain waves to Tito, reminding him that he just had a meeting with his young pitchers and told him they were going to be relied on heavily. Guess some of their names just eluded him. Until I used my powers of suggestion, of course.

J: What do you think of the Jason Johnson move?

M: Wish it were a different JJ, as in Josh Johnson. But it’s a warm body that can hurl, unlike Matt Clement and Keith Foulke, the constant inhabitants of the DL.

J: Hey, another JJ is updating her blog, JJ’s Space. Unlike you.

M: What? I can’t hear you over the booming sound of “Dirty Water” coming over the speakers!

Comments

Wow, this site has become the answer to the trivia question: What do Dave McCarty, David Pauley, and some random dude from NH have in common? Here's how this conversation would have gone if a) I was the type of jerk who stays on his cell phone all game, b) I was more than just a tool to be exploited for the dissemenation of game recaps, and c) it had actually happened.

M: Oh man, wasn't it awesome being in the ball park when Papi hit that Grand Slam! Jumping up from your seats and screaming and high-fiving complete strangers. Oh wait...

J: Oh yeah? Well, Kevin Youkilis was miked up and I got to hear all of the secrets of the Red Sox clubhouse. Youks is hilarious; he was ribbing Tito, asking if Tito got fired, would he get sent down to Triple-A.

M: I was sitting a couple seats from the guy who got put on the Jumbo-tron between innings. So I got his valuable insight: "Wooooooooo".

J: Well, since you didn’t get the insider’s view of the dugout that NESN provides, you didn’t see how Ortiz gave Johnny Pesky a great big hug.

M: That’s actually pretty dangerous. Did he compress Pesky into a diamond? (note: this is exactly like something I would say)

J: [Indignantly] No! Even though they do say Johnny is a gem of a guy.

M: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. There was something incredibly lame stuck in my ear.

J: Youk is the best guy to wear a mic. When Soriano reached on a single in the third inning, they chit-chatted about playing left field. They were all, “Yeah, it’s easy.” Then first base coach Davey Lopes came by and tipped off Soriano that Lester’s pick off tell was that he looked at the runner or dropped his head.

M: That's not very good advice. His tell is that he looks at the runner? Well of course he is going to look at the runner, you don't see too many no-look pickoff moves... except maybe in AND1. All though, if Lester could perfect the sky hook pick off move, it would be quite awesome.

J: The broadcast also showed how Al Nipper would talk to Lester after he got off the mound to talk about his approach. Since I can read lips....

M: Shenanigans! You can’t read lips!

J: Uh, yeah I can. Nip was saying, “Hey, maybe that girl with the blog will write make-believe letters by you instead of Pauley.”

M: Is that a new feature at Witch City Sox Girl or something?

J: No! And then Lester’s all, “Yeah, what’s up with that dude that’s supposed to write the mojo? He hasn’t done anything in weeks.” Then Nipper said, “Guess he can’t cut in the blogger big leagues.” Lester nodded in agreement and said, “Slacker!”

M: I'm on sabbatical! And besides, it's more like I can't cut it in the blogger Gulf Coast League. Also, the game was wicked fun. A whole bunch of stuff happened that was totally sweet. And Manny's RBI came when I was getting a hot dog, so I think I need to be getting a hot dog 4-5 times per game now to make sure Manny does well.

J: And you got to see your bullpen faves Tavarez and Seanez almost create a save opportunity for Papelbon.

M: The most amazing thing happened. The two of them have begun to suck so terribly that it has created a rip in the fabric of reality, and they are now conduits for sucking. As soon as they took the mound, everyone started to suck a little more. A guy two rows down sprayed mustard all over his shirt, then dropped his hot dog in to his kid's ice cream helmet. The CFB's up above me started cheering for Johnny Damon and Bronson Arroyo. The peanut guy nailed some dude in the face with an errant throw. I even saw the bullpen cop tip over in his chair.

J: Meanwhile, Delcarmen twirled a perfect eighth.

M: Who says "twirled"? Say it right: Delcarman hurled the apple for a perfect eighth.

J: What do you think of the Jason Johnson move?

M: Well, he appears to be an upgrade over our current #5 starter, ie nobody. Given the options of Jason Johnson, and just setting up a tee.. I'd probably take Jason Johnson. Of course, I'd rather it was JJ Walker. Dy-no-mite!

J: Hey, another JJ is updating her blog, JJ’s Space. Unlike you.

M: I'm on sabbatical! I really should post more, though. I'm denying myself the adoring fans, the respect and admiration of the public at large, the hundreds of gorgeous blogger groupies, and of course the millions of dollars in endorsement deals that come with writing a semi-popular, mostly overlooked web log.

"Twirled" is a synonym for "pitched." You probably don't own The New Dickson Baseball Dictionary, or any book besides hint books for video games, so I'll forgive your ignorance.

You're funnier when I write you. Bring me along on your date next time and you can be Rox and I can be Cyrana.

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