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Home » Essential Empy & June 2006 Game CommentsJune 2006 » President


Game 58: June 9, 2006
Rangers (32-28), 3
Red Sox (35-23), 4

H: Craig Hansen (1)
BS, W: Jonathan Papelbon (1, 1-1)
L: Francisco Cordero (5-4)

Scene: The All Farm Party convention where Trot Nixon officially confirms that he will run for president of Red Sox Nation and announces his running mate. Signs like “A Nixon You Can Trust,” “Hometown Hero,” and “Hats Off to Trot,” the later with a recreation of Nixon’s grubby cap, jounce joyously in the swarm. Raucous fans erupt into deafening cheers as Nixon takes the podium.

Nixon: My fellow Red Sox Nation citizens. I am here to announce my intention to represent the All Farm Party in opposition to the incumbent president, Larry Lucchino.

[Thunderous applause.]

Nixon: Last night, you witnessed a resurgence of pride and prosperity in our great Nation. With men on first and second in the first inning, I catapulted a three-run homer into the home bullpen.

[Further frenzied laudation. Chants of “Let’s go Nixon!” burst forth. Nixon beckons the crowd to simmer down.]

Nixon: But I wasn’t content to sit idly by, resting on the laurels of early inning performance. I went on to hit in each and every subsequent at bat to bolster our team’s 20th come-from-behind victory.

[Robust cheering.]

Nixon: As you know, offensive prowess is not sufficient to repel the invading Rangers. That is why I have secured the services of Kevin Youkilis, an All Farm Party stalwart, as my confidante in matters of defense. Youkilis has demonstrated nothing but stellar achievement in protecting the Nation from insurgency along our vulnerable borders. He has been able to overcome partisan snipping by working cooperatively with the Former Fish Party leaders like Mike Lowell, Alex Gonzalez, and Josh Beckett to strengthen us.

[Isolated jeers with the mention of the opposition party. Again Nixon quiets the crowd.]

Nixon: A perfect example is the collaboration between Lowell and Youkilis in the eighth inning. The pair forged a connection, a bond. With up and coming All Farm Party star Craig Hansen on the mound--

[Outburst of cheers for Hansen. Nixon allows the hubbub to subside.]

Nixon: With Craig Hansen on the mound, Lowell put aside politics and timed a perfect leap to intercept emerging threat Ian Kinsler, who sharply grounded to him. Youkilis picked the throw perfectly to eliminate the menace.

Lowell and I joined forces in the eighth inning. With the score tied, I singled to advance Manny Ramirez to third base. With party ally Ramirez in position, Lowell sacrificed to right field to drive in the winning score.

[Subdued applause.]

Nixon: All this shows that a president cannot accomplish his job alone. He needs another conjoined in purpose, intensity, and commitment. A man who ascribes to our party’s ideals and is the epitome of all that the All Farm Party represents.

[Audience hushes with anticipation.]

Nixon: And that man has cut a swath of destruction across the batting averages of hitters in late innings since the beginning of the season. That man shattered the records of past relief pitchers. That man propelled himself through the All Farm Party with his blazing fastball. That man will be my running mate in the upcoming presidential election. That man is Jonathan Papelbon.

[The fans jump to their feet and roar their approval. Papelbon shakes the hand of Nixon vigorously. They pose for the photographers.]

Papelbon: Well, y’know, I just, uh, y’know... I accept the nomination!

[The throng laughs appreciatively.]

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