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Essential Empy

Home » Essential Empy & HumorSeptember 2005 » The Yankee Players’ Handbook Revealed

The Yankee Players’ Handbook Revealed

YankeehandbookIn this world exclusive exposé, EE reveals the workings within the sanctum of the New York Yankees’ clubhouse as described in The Yankee Players’ Handbook. An anonymous former Red Sox player who recently signed with the New York City club turned the tome over to EE. The player still felt a kinship with his onetime teammates and wanted to pierce the aura of mystique that shrouded the dynastic squad.

Edited by the team’s fabled captain, shortstop Derek Jeter, the handbook painstakingly details every aspect of bringing honor and integrity to the pinstripes. Every inductee into the Yankee brotherhood is required to study the writings of current and former greats so that they may better understand all that being a true Yankee means. The 523 page book includes the following chapters:

“My Rights and Your Responsibilities” by George Steinbrenner
“Fan Acceptance” by Roger Maris
“Public Relations: A Foolproof Approach” by Gary Sheffield
“Temperance” by Mickey Mantle
“Compiling Your Yankeeography: Lights, Camera, Action!” by Alex Rodriguez
“Leading a Championship Team” by Don Mattingly
“Memorabilia Marketing and You” by Ruben Rivera
“Time Flies: Leaving the Game with Grace” by Bernie Williams
“Concise Public Speaking” by Yogi Berra
“Hats Off: Curtain Calls for the Uninitiated” by Jorge Posada
“Avoiding the Pox” by George Herman Ruth
“Pharmacogically Speaking” by Jason Giambi
“Towards Job Stability” by Billy Martin
“Good Grooming” by Joe Pepitone
“Harmonious Marital Relationships” by Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson

To understand the driving philosphy of the Yankees organization, key excerpts from notable chapters of the handbook are now accessible for the first time to non-Yankees.

From “Temperance”

“Growing up in Oklahoma you get a solid foundation for your life. You get to know the difference between right and wrong, plain as the nose on your face. Out there you learn that the quickest way south is through the mouth of the bottle.”

From “Compiling Your Yankeeography”

“Lighting is an important but often overlooked aspect of video production. Proper lighting can make or break your Yankeeography. Even the stunning Greta Garbo knew the importance of lighting and had a favorite cinematographer, William Daniels, work on her films whenever possible. A list of lighting technicians, all with fabulous references, accompany this article.”

From “Time Flies”

“Some have cited Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, and Lance Armstrong as their role models for knowing when to leave the game. But I say there is honor in lingering for as long as you are able. As a true Yankee, anything you accomplish on the field is matchless.

“If you are a real competitor, you face every adversity, including diminishing skills, without concern. Play despite what the naysayers spout in their envy. They are only trying to rob you of your final moments of glory that you so richly deserve as a member of the greatest franchise of all time.”

From “Hats Off”

“Other clubs reserve the curtain call for extraordinary feats. I’m here to tell you that because you are a Yankee, your every action is worthy of the highest exaltation. When you sacrifice fly your teammate from second base to third in the 4th inning with no one out with the opposing team leading 18-1, you should take a curtain call. You must tip your hat to your adoring minions. For you are a Yankee, and your every movement is imbued with an inimitable elan. You are entitled to bathe in the light of your unparalleled splendor.

“For you are a Yankee, and it is your birthright.”

From “Avoiding the Pox”

“A good thing to look for is the presence of things that look like blisters on the palms, soles, and scalp. You can usually give a lady a good once-over when you first meet her. Hold her hands in yours and check for these blisters. Say something to make her swoon. She should avert her eyes out of modesty, and at that moment you may check for the same telltale blisters under her hair.

“The saying that Ben Franklin left with us is undeniably true: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

From “Good Grooming”

“Many haircuts are acceptable, as long as they are tidy. Extreme, eccentric, or trendy haircuts are not permitted. Should you use dyes, tints, or bleaches, they must result in natural hair colors. Colors that detract from a professional appearance are strictly prohibited. In order to maintain presentability, always carry a blow dryer and hair spray so that you are kempt at all times.

“Facial hair is not allowed, except mustaches which do not extend past the ends of the players mouth. If the player does have a mustache, it must be trimmed neatly above the lip with no stray whiskers.”


Classic. Bravo Empy!!!

Very clever. But didn't you forget the chapter about the joys of being nocturnal and nibbling fruit, by none other than Fruitbat?

I knew it! The arrogance and smugness exhibited by organization was not inherent. No, It was learned. And this proves it. Thanks for blowing the cover on this very telling book, EE.

I would love to see the testimonials section of the handbook. Wouldn't Joe Torre have a few remarks, boasting of the content, for all new Yankee additions? Or perhaps there is an addendum by Joe Torre for future managers and coaches, like: -the right way and wrong way to finger point while signaling a starter off the mound
-how to be respected by all of major league baseball despite belonging to the most hated club in both leagues (mystery revealed!)
-101 uses for the "torre face" outside the dugout (especially good during important negotiations)

Oh, it's endless. Excellent work, Empy.

That last comment was mine. Doh.

Torre's chapter should be on "The Art of the Stall: How to warm up a reliever without a pitch being thrown by your rapidly collapsing pitcher and not getting called on it by the umpires." Title needs some work.

"InStallation: ArTorre Bypass Procedure."

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