Drew Barrymore, the girl that was in E.T. Oh, yeah, and now she’s in Fever Pitch.
Tom Carron, resident NESN geek
Johnny Damon, CF and spotlight-adorer
Jimmy Fallon, “actor” and “comedian”
Hazel Mae, NESN SportsDesk anchor
Michelle Mangan, newly wedded to Johnny Damon
Kathryn Nixon, wife of Trot
Trot Nixon, RF
Curt Schilling, RHP
Shonda Schilling, wife of Curt and scarfbearer
Dawn Timlin, wife of Mike
Mike Timlin, RHP
Jason Varitek, C with the “C”
Karen Varitek, wife of Jason
April 6, 2005. Fenway Park. The red carpet for the première of the movie Fever Pitch.
HAZEL: Here’s the lovely new wife of Johnny Damon, Michelle. Michelle, who did your dress? Versace?
DAMON: [Pushes MANGAN aside.] I have this new, uh, book coming out. It’s called Idiot. I’ll be doing a signing at Borders on....
MANGAN: [Nudges in front of DAMON.] Well, actually, no Hazel. It’s Armani.
HAZEL: I love how it drapes, simply fabulous.
CARRON: Wait... is that the Sumptuous Shonda’s music I hear?
[S. SCHILLING walks down the red carpet, myriad scarves wafting behind her.]
S. SCHILLING: Michelle, I have an issue with your and your media whoring husband.
MANGAN: Media whore?! Why, look who’s talking, Mrs. Endorse Bush the Day After the World Series victory?
S. SCHILLING: Strong words. I’m surprised they can come out of your face, you’ve had so much work done on it.
MANGAN: Your pert little nose doesn’t exactly look like it was granted by Mother Nature, either, honey.
[S. SCHILLING strides menacingly towards Mangan, scarves clasped in hands as if to garrote MANGAN.]
T. NIXON: All right! Girl fight! Kathryn, go join in. You’ll kick all those girls’ asses.
K. NIXON: I won’t degrade myself in such shenanigans. Besides, I have to run the marathon soon.
T. NIXON: Aww, come on. Look, Timlin’s wife Dawn is doing it, and she’s going to run, too.
[T. NIXON gestures towards D. TIMLIN, who has K. VARITEK in a Full Nelson.]
DAMON: Hey, this scene, it, uh, reminds me of this story I tell in my book. There was this three-way, and, uh....
M. TIMLIN: Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this story. [Yells towards D. TIMLIN.] Go for it, Dawn honey, you almost got her! Pin her! Pin her!
J. VARITEK: Five bucks that Karen gets the better of your wife.
M. TIMLIN: You’re on. Get ready to pay up, cappy.
C. SCHILLING: Ten clams that Shonda beats the crap out of everyone.
DAMON, M. TIMLIN and J. VARITEK: [Simultaneously.] No bet.
M. TIMLIN: [Back towards DAMON.] You talk about it all the time. You tell the story to everyone in the center field bleachers. I hear you every game, I’m in the bullpen. Why don’t you just set up a stand and sell copies in the Triangle?
DAMON: Not a bad idea, Timlin. So, uh, look for my bookstand under the 420’ marker in the Triangle....
HAZEL: [Turns microphone away from DAMON.] Thanks very much, Johnny. Hey, there’s Drew Barrymore. Let’s try and see if we can flag her down. Drew! Drew!
BARRYMORE: [Giggles.] Oh my God, I just love Boston. This is my love letter to the city. [Jumps onto dugout roof, flashing the crowd.] Love that Dirty Water!
DAMON: [Chases after BARRYMORE.] Hey, Drew. How you doin’?
HAZEL: Um, thanks, very much, Drew. [Spots FALLON.] Jimmy! Jimmy! A word?
FALLON: [Giggles.] Oh my God, I just love Boston. I mean, I was born in Brooklyn and the thought of eating New England clam chowder makes my skin break out in hives, but I just love this town. I feel like I’m really part of Red Sox Nation.
[S. SCHILLING grabs a bat weight, ties a scarf to it, and fashions a makeshift flail-like weapon.]
S. SCHILLING: You guys aren’t real fans! You desecrated the field where the first Red Sox World Series Championship in eighty-six years was won.
[S. SCHILLING takes out BARRYMORE and FALLON with her MacGyvered device.]
CARRON: Oh, the humanity...!