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Home » HumorOctober 2006 » It’s Your Duty, Judy!

It’s Your Duty, Judy!

Lasorda SCENE I: In a dark room in an apartment in Brooklyn there is a hunched silhouette in front of a computer monitor.

LASORDA: Vinnie? What are you doing hiding in here? It’s baseball playoff season!

VINNIE: But, the Yankees are eliminated.

LASORDA: Vinnie, you’re a baseball fan.

VINNIE: I’m looking up front-runners to cheer for. There’s Chelsea or Manchester United for soccer... Ohio State for college football. I’ve ordered my retro Montreal Canadiens jersey, as you can’t argue with 24 championships, and I’ve got a Lakers cap being FedExed to me.

LASORDA: Don’t bother with those other sports and go watch some quality baseball!

VINNIE: I’m not a baseball fan. I’m a fan of winning.

LASORDA: Quit mouthing off and watch some postseason baseball, you wuss!

SCENE II: A young woman with overly-coiffed hair peruses magazines at a newspaper stand while loudly cracking gum.

LASORDA: Maria, what are you doing here? You should be watching playoff baseball. You’ve been watching the Yankees all season, why stop now?

MARIA: Well, now that Derek and Alex aren’t playing, there’s no more hot guys to root for. So why bother?

LASORDA: What are you talking about? There’s still scads of young men to watch! Beltran! Verlander! Zito!

MARIA: Oh, yeah! I heard of that last guy. He’s pretty cute. But the first guy, he’s not Italian, is he?

LASORDA: He’s Catholic, though.

MARIA: Oh, okay!

LASORDA: Get your butt in front of a television now and watch some playoff baseball!

SCENE III: A Lids store in Manhattan mobbed with teen-aged boys.

LASORDA: Why aren’t you guys watching baseball? It’s the playoffs!

DEION: We’re buying some Mets stuff to replace the Yankees lids we own. Gots to represent.

LATROY: This Mets gear is the ish!

LASORDA: Well, now that you’ve bought the hats,  you should root for the team.

DEION: What, watch baseball? That shit is boring. We bought this as a fashion statement.

LASORDA: You preening punks stop gawking at yourselves in mirrors and go watch playoff baseball!


Very well played Empy. As always I enjoyed your game recaps throughout the year. I didn't have time to comment as much, but I was still here reading. Keep up the good work.

Thanks, Ed, for being a loyal reader.

Don't forget Tommy's signature line:
To da TV!!!

God, I always hated Lasorda, but those spots are pretty funny.
I wonder if he had an acting coach, and if so, how much prep was needed.

Let me echo ED's comments. There are few things in this world as lonely and masochistic as running a daily blog, especially one that is both a: interesting and b: read by people outside of your immediate family.
How you pull it off and pull it off well each day of the season is a thing to behold.
And if it were up to me, your "F*ck You" season summary after the Yankees toe-tagged the Sox in September should win a Pulitzer, an emmy, a tony, a grammy, and even a grampa.
But that's just little ol' low-brow me.

Empy, to you, and richly deserved:
(the sound of one person clapping over the internet)

Thanks for the kind words, Yaz. I've got shelf space cleared off already for those accolades, a place of honor that already houses the "This is What You Did with Your College Education?!" commendation from my mom.

Dead on! I've been saying for years, go to any minor league park, you'll find Red Sox fans in abundance. Sox fans are fans of baseball, Yankees fans are fans of winning.Keep up the great writing, give us some more off season speculation to read at least once a week.

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