I’m Mike Timlin and I’m oooooold! And I’m not happy! And I don’t like things now compared to the way they used to be.
All this progress -- phooey! In my day, we didn’t have this pre-made pine tar when you needed it. You’d have to take down the trees yourself with your bare hands. Then you’d have to distill it yourself with the heat generated from burning the fat of the bear, or hyena, or whatever ferocious wild beast you killed, also with your bare hands. It would take you decades before you even had one smidgen of the stuff to work with, so you never washed.
Just ask Kenny Rogers. He’s old-fashioned like me! He’s got his four-year old son working on another batch of pine tar right now so that it’ll be ready for his great-grandson to use. Ol’ Kenny is gonna die before he ever gets more pine tar to use. And that’s the way it was and we liked it!
Life was simpler back then. We didn’t have no agents with their fancy suits. Why, to get my $2.8 million for next year, I marched right into the Red Sox front office with the crossbow I made from the remnants of those pine tress and guts from the deer I’ve killed. Agents?! Flobble-de-flee!
Hmm... almost three million simoleons, eh? Well, I’m oooooold, but maybe I’m a little happy!