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Home » HumorJanuary 2005 » Red Sox Nation Fortifies Borders

Red Sox Nation Fortifies Borders

Distressed by the recent overrunning of Red Sox Nation by bandwagon fans and refugees from mediocre franchises, President Larry Lucchino has enacted emergency border controls around the heart of the nation.

“We understand the excitement and goodwill that the Red Sox World Series Championship has generated, but there is only so much of that wealth that we can distribute to the citizens that we already have,” said President Lucchino. “To that end, I am placing an immediate freeze on the issuing of any new citizenships to Red Sox Nation.”

President Lucchino’s decision has met with varying reactions across the world. Some lower tier teams are thankful for his action, hoping that it will help them solidify their citizenry. “It’s difficult rooting for a hardscrabble team with no success,” said Mike Boyko, a Pittsburgh Pirates devotee. “Since this past October, I can’t tell you how many Buc bloggers have converted to Red Sox blogs in an attempt to get into the winning nation. I’ve spoken with the Fenway Ambassadors about the situation, but it’s difficult because my team is considered a loose confederation of pillagers rather than a true nation-state. If the Red Sox turn anyone away, the Pirates will welcome them with open arms.”


Lieutenant Gerda Edwards (pictured above while on patrol), one of the border control officers that are working overtime due to the state of the emergency, says she doesn’t mind the additional work. “We’re trying our best out here on the frontlines to keep out the johnny-come-latelys.” When asked about the tactics she uses to determine true citizenship, Edwards laughed, “Oh, it’s pretty easy. First thing we ask is what was Ted Williams’s batting average in 1941.” She shakes her head, saying “If they can’t get past that, we know we’ve got to turn them away.”

“The surprising thing has been the number of Yankee fans who think they can get into the nation with no resistance,” continued Edwards. “Just the other day Jay Jaffe tried to get in. I told him I saw that Futility Infielder was still up, and the pic of him in pinstripes was still posted. With that against him, I don’t know if he could ever get in.”

Commissioner Bud Selig continues to urge President Lucchino to take a less hardline position against team to team fan tranfers. “I need only to show him the example of the New York Yankees and how strong their franchise was when it welcomed the huge influx of admirers during its championship reign.” In response, President Lucchino said, “That’s hardly the example we as a nation wish to follow. We now see how the Empire has fallen. The nation must take extreme measures to be strong.”

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