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Home » Monthly Archive » February 2008

February 24, 2008

Schilling Expresses Relief

With the signing of Bartolo Colon to a minor league contract, Curt Schilling demonstrated marked relief.

“This is awesome! That butterball eats so much, most of the food that supplies the big league club will have to be trucked down to Pawtucket. There won’t be as much food around here to tempt me to break my weight clause.”

Showing off his relatively svelte figure to the group of media people he cornered, Schilling also stated his hopes that Colon might contribute to the major league club this season. “And if he manages to make the roster, I’ll be sure to stand near him so I’ll look even thinner than I appear now.”

Terry Francona, who signed a three-year extension today, had some concerns about both Schilling and Colon in the same clubhouse. “Wouldn’t that much mass potentially warp the fabric of the space-time continuum?”

“Or would they be more like a binary star system, like 61 Cygni?” When questioned about whether Colon or Schilling could still be considered stars, Francona backed off the twin star comparison. “Now that I think about it, Cygni is made up of two K class stars, which are on the smaller side. These guys are more Class B, but no where near the size of Class O.”

February 22, 2008

Why Manny Chose Boras

Manny ambled into the Fort Myers training compound, the sun barely tinging the horizon with light. Earlier than his teammates, earlier than most Red Sox coach staff, as usual.

He was surprised to see Daisuke already there getting a massage.

“Hey, man. You here pretty early, eh.”

“Yeah, had to get some massage therapy,” the pitcher replied, looking up from the table drowsily.

Rolling his right shoulder, Manny thought a back rub before sitting for hours in front of the television analyzing pitchers would be ideal. “Can I get one, too? Just feeling a little tight around here, you know.” The slugger gestured to his back.

The masseur cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Well, I am supposed to only treat Mr. Matsuzaka, but since no one else is around, I could, maybe, after I’m finished here....”

Manny sensed the awkwardness of the situation. “Oh, no, no, no it’s okay, man. I don’t want you to get in trouble or anything.” To put everyone back at ease, he changed the subject.

“I’m gonna negotiate my next contract and get me my own guy,” he smiled broadly while stretching. “Getting old, you know. I ain’t got no pop no more.”

Matsuzaka chuckled. “It’s not easy getting perks out of the Red Sox. Mr. Henry, Mr. Lucchino, Theo... they are smart businessmen. That’s why I got Boras.”

“I don’t know, I don’t hear a lot of good things about that guy, you know. It’s all money, money, money.” Manny turned away to make his sojourn to the video room.

“He got me that Lincoln Town Car.”

Turning around slowly with delight shining across his face, Manny asked, “Could you give me Boras’s number? Oh, and Dice-K, you can tell your guys to stop looking for that Skyline GT-R for me. I bet Scott can get that included in my next deal.”

February 7, 2008

Cold Shoulder

Overly vigorous campaign sign waving for John McCain, long hours of MMORPG testing, reaching too far to pat himself on the back, or some combination of the three has torn Curt Schilling’s rotator cuff.

When the hurler went against Red Sox team doctor Thomas Gill’s advice and opted for season-ending surgery upon the recommendation of his personal orthopaedic surgeon, Craig Morgan, the Red Sox threatened to void his contract. Per the collective bargaining agreement, a third doctor was consulted. David Altchek, the medical director for the Mets, agreed with Gill’s assessment. In the end, Schilling decided against surgery, but will be out until the All-Star break at the very least.

In the battle of medical school credentials, Altchek graduated from Cornell, Morgan went to Emory, and Gill attended Harvard. All are board-certified orthopaedic surgeons. At both ends of the spectrum, Altchek boasts Carl Pavano and Pedro Martinez as patients. Morgan has testimonials from Schilling, Paul Byrd, and Jeff Brantley on his practice’s site. Massachusetts General Hospital, where Gill practices, is more discreet about its clientèle, although it does note that Gill is also the Patriots’ Head Team Physician.

That expertise will be brought to bear on Tim Wakefield in 2008, as well as the needs of the young arms of Clay Buchholz and Jon Lester. File the Johan Santana blockbuster under “sometimes the best deals are the ones you don’t make.”

At the moment, Gill might be preoccupied with providing psych referrals for a number of Patriots players.

February 1, 2008

A Mayor You Can Understand

Not because he’s a common man, but because he enunciates.

Sean Casey is known as “the Mayor” because of his affable nature; he’s the friendliest player in baseball five years running according to Sports Illustrated polls.

On second thought, he went .296/.353/.393 in 143 bats, which is all too common. But, his .363/.929 to .285/.716 left/right split compliments Kevin Youkilis well (.290/.815 to .287/.854), if that could even be seen as a problem that required fixing.

Casey inked a one-year, $700,000 deal today. He joins reliever David Aardsma, who came to Boston earlier this week from the White Sox in return for minor leaguers Willy Mota and Miguel Socolovich, as the latest Red Sox acqusitions.

These aren’t earth-shattering deals, of course. The alternative could have been days of torturous deal-making with Johan Santana’s agent Peter Greenberg while bidding farewell to either Jacoby Ellsbury or John Lester. Mike Lowell and Casey attempting to out-nice each other will make for a fun-filled 2008.

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