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Entries from Empyreal Environs tagged with “beards”

Mirrored Beards

John Lackey has a bone to pick with you, Oakland Athletics. Yes, you, you Left Coast hipsters. It’s not enough that you guys have five former Red Sox players on your roster: Coco Crisp, Jed Lowrie, Brandon Moss, Josh Reddick, and last but not least Nick Punto. You see, he noticed that a number of you are sporting luxuriant beards. Derek Norris could be Mike Napoli’s long lost brother. Lost because it’s difficult to find human features in the foliage that engulfs Norris’s visage. On the pitcher’s mound, Sean Doolittle’s facial hair echoed Mike Carp’s in color but surpassed it in volume. The reliever also had a little of David Ross’ two-tone action going on. Eric Sogard wore spectacles that seemed to be stolen from a Wes Anderson film. Unlike his fellows he tamed his hirsuteness. The glasses along with the neatly shorn beard made me wonder why he was playing second when I have been waiting for my skinny vanilla latte for, oh, three hours now. Wally’s dad tried to get on the bushy bandwagon but could only muster a mustache. So, Faux Sox — you may be on the top of the American League heap in May, but...

By a Hair

The Red Sox magic number for a playoff spot dwindled to one last night but the team was unable to clinch despite multitudes of fans donning fake beards or sporting their natural facial hair in celebration of this team’s signature look. Not even bedecking statues of legendary Red Sox players helped Boston defeat Baltimore in extra innings. Starting pitcher Jake Peavy is one of the handful of players that have kept clean-shaven. He blanked the Orioles for four innings but the batters puzzled him out by the fifth frame, when Matt Wieters doubled in the hot-hitting Danny Valencia. Wieters scored on a double off Brian Roberts’s bat that Shane Victorino couldn’t catch up to in the triangle. Baltimore took the lead in the sixth on another Wieters double. Mike Napoli’s shrubbery doesn’t match the length or extravagance of these fans’ locks, but they didn’t tie the game 3-3 in the bottom of the sixth. The only thing missing from this man’s ensemble is a baseball in the center of the ringlet. Napoli won the vote for the most inspirational beard. That probably wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t catch fire this month. For some reason Stephen Drew wasn’t a selection....


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