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Entries from Empyreal Environs tagged with “Lefty & Righty”

Lefty & Righty: On the New Baseball Caps

“Lefty & Righty” is a blatant rip-off of respectful homage to the Onion’s Point/Counterpoint feature, but new and improved with the inclusion of Red Sox mascots. Today they sound off on the new polyester 59FIFTY caps set to be unveiled this season. RIGHTY: Bowing down before the gods of political correctness, the MLB, which stands for Milquetoast League of Baseball as far as I am concerned, have done away with the tradition of wool hats and replaced them completely with polyester. I usually allow the shallow and image-driven liberals of this country talk about the latest trends, but this particular change I could not allow to go unnoticed. I’m far from a fashion plate — I’m a walking sock with a hat on, for goodness sake — but ponder for a moment what polyester is made from. Yes, that bane of fashionistas, that ubiquitous fabric of the sartorially vapid 70s is a petroleum-based vile textile. The hidden villainy is that these new hats increase America’s dependence on foreign oil. I won’t bore you with the science of it, but polyester is made from oil by-products. Our game, already tainted by performance-enhancing drug scandals and juiced or doctored balls, takes another...

Lefty & Righty: On Transgendered Mascots

LEFTY: Shortly after I became a full-fledged mascot, just days from being less than mote of lint on the knitting needle of my maker, I felt pressure from society to be a boy or a girl. “You have such pretty smile,” they’d say. “That must mean you’re a girl.” Or, “What a masculine chin you have; you’ll make a strapping young man.” Things just aren’t so cut and dry these days. Mascots the world over are exerting their right to express or renounce the gender roles ascribed to them. The equipment you’re given should not determine if you entertain in a masculine or feminine manner. Really, what constitutes what is manly or womanly anyway? These characteristics originate in societal norms and perceptions and are not essential aspects of nature. I think the best mascots traverse gender roles with a blink of their ostrich feather eyelashes. One second you’ll see the Phillie Phanatic flirting with an umpire and the next it’s ogling a female fan in the stands. (Hmm, notice how it is just assumed that an umpire would be male? Anyway, that’s another topic for another week.) Would anyone question the fitness of the Hall of Famer Philadelphia Phillies...


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