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Entries from Empyreal Environs tagged with “Wally”

Mirrored Beards

John Lackey has a bone to pick with you, Oakland Athletics. Yes, you, you Left Coast hipsters. It’s not enough that you guys have five former Red Sox players on your roster: Coco Crisp, Jed Lowrie, Brandon Moss, Josh Reddick, and last but not least Nick Punto. You see, he noticed that a number of you are sporting luxuriant beards. Derek Norris could be Mike Napoli’s long lost brother. Lost because it’s difficult to find human features in the foliage that engulfs Norris’s visage. On the pitcher’s mound, Sean Doolittle’s facial hair echoed Mike Carp’s in color but surpassed it in volume. The reliever also had a little of David Ross’ two-tone action going on. Eric Sogard wore spectacles that seemed to be stolen from a Wes Anderson film. Unlike his fellows he tamed his hirsuteness. The glasses along with the neatly shorn beard made me wonder why he was playing second when I have been waiting for my skinny vanilla latte for, oh, three hours now. Wally’s dad tried to get on the bushy bandwagon but could only muster a mustache. So, Faux Sox — you may be on the top of the American League heap in May, but...

Playing Out the String

The All-Fenway Team had a better chance against the Rays than the 2012 Red Sox. Dustin Pedroia, who is on both historic Boston squads, went 0-for-2 with two walks and didn’t continue his two-game doubles hitting streak. Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy were named amongst five least biased baseball announcer teams by the Wall Street Journal. Despite this recognition, Orsillo seemed to be on the search for a new partner. Orsillo was also getting his pipes in shape for postseason with TBS, his sixth straight year. Sadly, Orsillo has been part of the playoffs more often than the Red Sox of late. Game 156: September 26, 2012 Tampa Bay Rays85-70 4 W: Alex Cobb (10-9)H: Jake McGee (17), Wade Davis (6), Joel Peralta (36)S: Fernando Rodney (45)2B: Ben Zobrist (37), Jose Lobaton (10)HR: Carlos Pena (19), Ben Francisco (4) Boston Red Sox69-87 2 L: Jon Lester (9-14) No extra base hits...

Raymond Bares All

Raymond tries to show up Wally in his own house, but retribution is sweet for the Green Monster. His team swept the Devil Rays by winning last night’s game in grand fashion, 15-4....

Thorny

Game 21: April 26, 2007 Red Sox 5 W: Josh Beckett (5-0)S: Jonathan Papelbon (7) 14-7, 2 game winning streak5-2-1 series record Orioles 2 H: Danys Baez (6)H: John Parrish (5)BS, L: Chris Ray (2, 2-2) 11-11, 4 game losing streak4-4-0 series record Highlights: Beckett joined Pedro Martinez (2000) and Cy Young (1908) as the only Red Sox pitchers to have a 5-0 record in April. Glimpses from the Baltimore Orioles’ television broadcast booth with Gary Thorne and Jim Palmer. Fourth Inning Thorne: J.D. Drew breaks up the no-hitter with a nubber up the middle. Palmer: If I recall correctly, Drew also broke up the no-hitter that Felix Hernandez was throwing against the Red Sox up in Boston in the opening series. Thorne: Drew didn’t really break up that no-hit game. It was actually a powerful gust of wind that blew the ball past the infielders and then stopped suddenly, dropping it just in front of the outfielders. Palmer: Is that a fact? Thorne: Oh, yes. I heard it directly from Wally the Green Monster. He says it happens every couple of years. Palmer: Gary, Wally is a mascot in a thickly furred costume. How in the world could...

Green, Gay-Friendly, and Genuine

“My pain as the product of a public relations machine is real, as real as any of you,” said Wally.

The San Diego Chicken Speaks

Offers Hope, Encouragement to Wally After hearing of Wally the Green Monster’s recent travails, the San Diego Chicken had a candid conversation with an EE correspondent about the lessons he learned as a high profile MLB mascot. “I know exactly what Wally is going through. I was the toast of the town once. I was a folk hero, a cultural phenomenon. They called me the Mascot of the Millennium. “Since then, I’ve intentionally lowered my profile. You can’t be ubiquitous, because people will tire of you real quick. Just ask Jennifer Lopez. Decrease the supply, demand increases. “What Wally has to do is refocus his image. I feel sorry for him for having to impress a bunch of tight-assed New Englanders while all I had to do was amuse some Californians who are already happy because of whatever new therapy, drug, or diet they are on. Forget about the older folks; they’re too preoccupied with finally winning the World Series. He’s got to concentrate on the echo boomers, and the thing these kids want is to be uber-ironic. Each metal lunchbox, Trapper Keeper, and thrift store t-shirt they buy could be money in Wally’s pocket if he plays his cards...

Mascot Controversy Hits Beantown

There have been scattered stirrings of new mascots on the horizon for the Boston Red Sox. Wally the Green Monster (pictured left, fending off paparazzi) has been falling out of favor due to some questionable after hours activities. Sox officials have noted his recent erratic behavior, including fisticuffs with Mr. Met (apparently related to extra-marital activities with Mrs. Met) and all-night binge drinking with the impressionable young Portland Seadog mascot Slugger. “Just look at those bags under his eyes, his green complexion, and continually frazzled expression and you know that things just aren’t right,” said an anonymous clubhouse worker. “I’ve tried, we’ve all tried to get him help, but he has to recognize for himself the downward spiral he is in.” When questioned about the rumors, Wally said, “You would think after all these years of service the Red Sox would respect me. I’ve been a fan since 1912, and moved into Fenway in 1947. The ownership back them let me do as a please, knowing what I brought to the club. When I finally started making the PR rounds in 1997, I had the world on a platter. But as soon as a fellow hits some rough spots, it’s...


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