You are in for a treat with Theo Epstein signing a five-year deal with your club. One of the most outstanding general managers in the sport will be haunting the halls of 1060 West Addison soon, and I daresay that the ghosts of past doomed seasons will be dispelled soon.

The Curse of the Billy Goat might be broken by Boston’s scapegoat.

Not to entirely absolve Epstein of his accountability in the Red Sox historic September collapse. He shopped for the groceries and for most of the season constructed scrumptious dinners. He wasn’t completely his fault that John Lackey, Josh Beckett, and Jon Lester opted for beer and fried chicken instead. For every free agent flop (Lackey, Julio Lugo, Edgar Renteria) there was draft day domination (Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury, Daniel Bard, Justin Masterson, Jonathan Papelbon, Clay Buchholz). Sadly, it has been said that Buchholz was on the fringes of the slacker starting pitcher clique.

Don’t be too alarmed if he drafts an undersized infielder or a fringey outfielder. They might end up producing MVP-caliber numbers. Perhaps he’ll turn around his free agent acquisition record.

I envy you the baseball mind that will lead your North Siders, but I am sure you covet the world championships the Red Sox won under Epstein’s auspices.

Kind regards,
Joanna

The latest shocker out of 4 Yawkey Way was the unjust canning of first base coach Ron Johnson. Johnson was with the Red Sox organization for 12 years and the last two seasons was served as Terry Francona’s first base coach.

Despite faithfully and dutifully fulfilling all that was required of him in the essential position… wait a second. What do first base coaches do anyway? They are responsible for the runner upon departure from the batter’s box until the time the runner leaves first? That’s it?

This particular Ron Johnson doesn’t even appear on the Wikipedia disambiguation page for his name.

With runners’ mishaps at third and home plate I thought Tim Bogar would be the next to go. Also, the rumblings about starting pitchers imbibing beers in the clubhouse would seem to jeopardize Curt Young’s employment.

Meanwhile, Red Sox senior management and ownership are mulling over giving permission for the Cubs to recruit Theo Epstein.

Of frustration in 2006, 2008, and 2010.

Of dolor in 2011.

I’m watching Terry Francona’s press conference and I think that jettisoning him is a mistake. It’s an extreme overreaction to an admittedly colossal collapse.

Bill Belichick wasn’t fired after Super Bowl XLII. Neither Doc Rivers nor Claude Julien were fired after 2010.

I will be in Cooperstown when Francona is inducted into the Hall of Fame and I hope the Red Sox will not lose too many games when Boston plays against his next team.

Godspeed, Tito.

Nate Silver neatly dissects the Red Sox’s epic collapse in September. He also concisely computes the dual, dueling improbabilities of the Yankees blowing a seven-run lead and the Red Sox losing last night’s game when they were one strike away from victory: one chance in 278 million.

Jay Caspian Kang eschews calculating probabilities in favor of reveling in the reborn despair over the Olde Towne Team. Kang rhapsodizes, “We get to go back to our favorite pastime: complaining about this shitty team and its shitty GM and what the fuck is wrong with Crawford and did you hear what this guy told me about what John Lackey did when he was at that bar in the Back Bay?”

Finally, Chad Finn performs an autopsy on the deceased team in a measured manner. Finn usually doesn’t call for heads but appeals to a rabid fan base to adopt cooler ones. However, in this column Finn urges John Lackey to “pack up the sneer and the sacks of unearned cash and just go away.” That surly starter was Finn’s only call for dismissal. He believes that Theo Epstein, despite the poor performances by two big ticket free agents, should remain with the club. Ditto with Terry Francona, who some blame for being too soft on players. Finn maintains there is the public Francona and the manager behind closed doors.

The play of Marco Scutaro in this game was a microcosm of this team’s season. At times he was brilliant and lucky, like when he rifled a double to left with one out in the fourth, advanced on a ground out off Carl Crawford’s bat, and scored on a balk by Alfredo Aceves to tie the game 2-2. Scutaro also sparked an outstanding double play in the sixth. After Jon Lester gave up consecutive walks the shortstop scooped Vladimir Guerrero’s grounder and flipped it to Dustin Pedroia’s glove. Pedroia completed the circuit to Adrian Gonzalez’s waiting glove and the visitors got out of frame unscathed.

Later in the contest Scutaro was obtuse and ill-fated. The infielder muscled a single to right with one out in the eighth and took off when he saw Carl Crawford’s line drive wing towards the left-center gap. After he passed second base Scutaro paused because he thought Nolan Reimold had a chance to catch the ball. That momentary stop was the difference between Scutaro scoring an insurance run and being thrown out at home. Tim Bogar had a hand in the disaster. An entire waving arm, in fact.

Other arms that failed in the race? Jonathan Papelbon’s, as he notched two outs in the ninth but surrendered three consecutive hits to blow his third save of the season. Crawford’s, as it flailed in an attempt to snare Robert Andino’s single.

Game 162: September 28, 2011
Boston Red Sox 90-72	3	H: Alfredo Aceves (11) H: Daniel Bard (34) BS, L: Jonathan Papelbon (3, 4-1)
		2B: Marco Scutaro (26), Carl Crawford (29) HR: Dustin Pedroia (21)
Baltimore Orioles 69-93	4	W: Jim Johnson (6-5)
		2B: J.J. Hardy (27), Mark Reynolds (27), Chris Davis (12), Nolan Reimold (10) HR: Hardy (30)

For once Robert Andino was the schlemiel, the awkward and unlucky person for whom things never turn out right. The second baseman bungled Darnell McDonald’s fourth-inning fly ball by over-pursuing it into right, allowing it to drop between him, Nick Markakis, and Mark Reynolds. His bat as cooled as well; he went 0-for-5 with two strikeouts.

The schlimazels were all the hitters victimized by Wally Bell’s lopsided strike zone.

The man with the chutzpah was Ryan Lavarnway, the rookie catcher pressed into service because of Jason Varitek’s and Jarrod Saltalamacchia’s maladies. He added to the Red Sox’s lead in the fourth with a three-run shot to right. A greenhorn’s first four-bagger would be memorable regardless of the circumstances, but Lavarnway’s came with his team’s playoff hopes in the balance.

Lavarnway’s heroics didn’t stop once behind the plate. The backstop halted Adam Jones’s attempted theft of third in the second inning. After a tense moment of hesitation he jumped on Matt Wieter’s tapper that died in front of the plate and fired to first for the second out of the ninth inning. Although a run scored on the play, the out was key with yet another runner in scoring position.

In the top of the eighth Lavarnway launched his second home run of the game and his career, increasing the lead to 8-4. With Daniel Bard’s shaky eighth and Wieters’s RBI ground out in the ninth, Lavarnway’s second homer proved the difference between victory and futility.

Lux et veritas.

Game 161: September 27, 2011
Boston Red Sox 90-71	8	W: Alfredo Aceves (10-2) S: Jonathan Papelbon (31)
		2B: Marco Scutaro (25), Darnell McDonald (6) 3B: Carl Crawford (7) HR: Jacoby Ellsbury (32), Ryan Lavarnway – 2 (2), Scutaro (7)
Baltimore Orioles 68-93	7	L: Zach Britton (11-11)
		2B: Vladimir Guerrero (30), Adam Jones (26), Nick Markakis (31) 3B: Nolan Reimold (3) HR: Matt Wieters (22), Jones (25)

I quote Donne because it feels like the Red Sox are done.

Been there, done that. Well, not exactly that. Because baseball is the sort of game you can see something new every game. Consequently, a team that was playoff-bound can lose in novel and excruciating ways every time they take the field.

For example, an MVP-caliber player could chase down a well-struck ball to deep center field and snag it perfectly with two men on and two down. That same player, who just 24 hours before had hallelujahs and hosannas praising his name, could hit the center field fence with such force that the ball dropped to the ground.

That dropped ball could be recovered and relayed back to home plate but then missed by a catcher, precipitating an three-run inside-the-park home run.

What a crazy way to lose the lead that would be.

Game 160: September 26, 2011
Boston Red Sox 89-71	3	L: Josh Beckett (13-7)
		2B: David Ortiz (40), Jacoby Ellsbury (46) HR: Jed Lowrie (6)
Baltimore Orioles 68-92	6	W: Troy Patton (2-1)
		2B: Chris Davis (11), Nick Markakis (30) HR: Matt Wieters (21), Robert Andino (5)

A few hours after becoming the first Red Sox 30/30 man Ellsbury was one of the few offensive forces on either team in the 14-inning long game. Not only is the season a marathon but these last few games determining the American League wild card have proven prolix contests of endurance.

Terry Francona had to call upon J.D. Drew, who had not seen action since July 19. The curious call paid off when Drew singled in Jed Lowrie in the fifth for the visitors’ first score of the game. Francona’s decision to pinch run Lars Anderson for Adrian Gonzalez in the ninth, leaving his team without one of its best hitters for five innings, didn’t turn out as well. Anderson went 0-for-2 with a strikeout and a stranded runner.

For 22 outs the Red Sox relievers held the Yankees scoreless. Granted, the lineup was more Scranton/Wilkes-Barre than Bronx, but Daniel Bard, Jonathan Papelbon, Franklin Morales, and Felix Doubront still kept a mix of all-stars and young players hungry to prove themselves at bay in hostile territory.

I was surprised to see Scott Proctor make an appearance because Joe Torre had no compunction sending out Proctor until his joints were dust. The reliever took the mound with one down in the fourteenth and allowed a single to Darnell McDonald and permitted Marco Scutaro to reach on a walk.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia gave the ball a ride to deep center, far enough advance McDonald to third base. The platoon outfielder wouldn’t need that extra base as his fellow ballhawk Ellsbury sent his 31st circuit clout into the Yankees bullpen.

No word on how Alec Baldwin’s kidneys took the news.

This might be the least inspirational big win of the season. The night was tainted with John Lackey’s surliness, but for once the starter had reason to be churlish. A reporter had texted Lackey with a question about his personal life 30 minutes before the game.

As historically bad as Lackey has been, I sympathize with him as a person. But as a pitcher, his name needs to be expunged from any and all playoff roster permutations.

Game 159: September 25, 2011 ∙ 14 innings
Boston Red Sox 89-70	7	BS: Alfredo Aceves (3) W: Franklin Morales (1-2) S: Felix Doubront (1)
		2B: Jed Lowrie (14), Marco Scutaro (24) 3B: Lowrie (4) HR: Jacoby Ellsbury (31)
New York Yankees 97-61	4	L: Scott Proctor (2-5)
		2B: Mark Teixeira (25), Jesus Montero (4)

In the past few seasons there have been a smattering of players achieving the feat: Hanley Ramirez, Grady Sizemore, and Ian Kinsler. Ellsbury joined National League outfielders Matt Kemp and Ryan Braun this season. In this new wave of power/speed stars, who will go the way of the Hall of Famers and who will fade away?

Such a question is a more comforting conjecture to turn in the mind when your favorite team’s playoff hopes wane along with the length of the day.

Game 158: September 25, 2011
Boston Red Sox 88-70	2	L: Tim Wakefield (7-9)
		2B: Marco Scutaro (23) HR: Jacoby Ellsbury – 2 (30)
New York Yankees 97-61	6	W: A.J. Burnett (11-11)
		2B: Derek Jeter (24) HR: Jorge Posada (14)

It turns out the tune is the Westminster Quarters, so named after the time-telling chimes of Houses of Parliament at Westminster. The sound booth at Stades Fascistes old and new didn’t use an actual recording of the bells but rather sampled 2 Unlimited’s song “Workaholic.”

That maddening melody played in the second, third, and sixth innings. Any hopes of southpaw ace Jon Lester staunching the September exsanguination ended in the third inning when Derek Jeter poked a three-run homer to right to render the score 6-0.

Jeter’s sixth home run of the season of course prompted Tim McCarver to mock the shortstop’s detractors. Never mind that Jeter is in the midst of his third-worst season in terms of OPS+ with a paltry 96, including his 1995 debut that featured only 48 at bats.

Past Yankees may on occasion have those flashes of production upon which their reputation is built, but it is the 21-year old Venezuelan Jesus Montero who is a threat now and for years to come. The catcher launched his fourth home run this season in the sixth inning (just two less than Jeter but in 484 fewer at bats). Brian Cashman does have huge budgetary advantages over every other team in the league, but I give him credit for never sending Montero away in a trade.

Game 157: September 24, 2011
Boston Red Sox 88-69	1	L: Jon Lester (15-9)
		2B: Carl Crawford (28)
New York Yankees 96-61	9	W: Freddy Garcia (12-8)
		2B: Jesus Montero (3) HR: Derek Jeter (6), Montero (4)

The Red Sox are 4-13 since September 5, the day that began their string of games against AL East teams. While the last-place Orioles mounted a late-inning comeback the Yankees celebrated clinching a spot in the playoffs. At least wins but the Yankees kept the Rays trailing Boston in the wild card race.

These Hair-itage shirts are fun, unlike watching the Red Sox in September.

2-for-4, 1 run, 2 strikeouts

1-for-4, 1 RBI, 1 LOB

0-for-3, 1 RBI, 2 LOB

Did not play

Don Orsillo’s tie was a black grid suitable for charting the late season decline of a team many thought would win the World Series.

Game 156: September 21, 2011
Baltimore Orioles 65-90	6	W: Clay Rapada (2-0) H: Willie Eyre (3) S: Jim Johnson (9)
		2B: Nick Markakis (28) HR: Mark Reynolds – 2 (36)
Boston Red Sox 88-68	4	L: Josh Beckett (13-6)
		2B: Dustin Pedroia (37), Carl Crawford (27) 3B: Crawford (6)

With his bases-clearing double with the bases loaded and two out in the eighth, Robert Andino gave his team a two-run advantage and his name was added to the list of bit players who dominate the Red Sox. Andino’s name is uttered with strings of expletives, much like all-time great Frank Catalanotto.

Ric Flair’s visit, while exciting for Josh Reddick and Dustin Pedroia, didn’t infuse the team with the winning spirit. But it did inspire Jerry Remy to emit a number of “woos.”

Don Orsillo’s tie reminded me of a pattern on some manhole covers. Sorry, personhole covers.

Game 155: September 20, 2011
Baltimore Orioles 64-90	7	W: Willie Eyre (2-1) H: Pedro Strop (3) S: Jim Johnson (8)
		2B: Nick Markakis (27), Robert Andino (22)
Boston Red Sox 88-67	5	H: Matt Albers (10) H, L: Daniel Bard (33, 2-9) BS: Jonathan Papelbon (2)
		2B: Dustin Pedroia – 2 (36), Adrian Gonzalez (45), Mike Aviles (17) HR: Adrian Gonzalez (27)

“I thought it was real,” Don Orsillo said of the scarlet postiche. This from the man who thought a solar eclipse meant the sun positioned itself between the earth and the moon.

In a night of offensive brilliance Conor Jackson had a particularly notable evening. He capped off the seventh inning with a grand slam into the second row of the Monster seats. He also had a stunning circus catch in the top of the fourth inning. Jackson dashed from his spot in left in front of the scoreboard all the way to the warning track to make a diving grab of Nick Markakis’s fly ball for the second out of the inning.

In my mind John Lackey’s response wasn’t gratitude but rather, “Nice catch now, but why didn’t you come up with it when you dove into the stands in the first inning?” In reality Lackey’s response was to load the bases and allow two runs to score, bringing the Orioles within a run.

The Red Sox responded with five runs in the bottom frame of the fourth but Lackey couldn’t last five innings for the win. A line of 11 hits, 8 earned runs, 2 walks, and 3 strikeouts rarely results in a win, but the combination of poor Baltimore pitching and ravenous Red Sox bats resulted in a victory for the local nine.

As part of the seven-run onslaught in the seventh Jacoby Ellsbury led off with his first inside-the-park home run. His fly ball glanced off the padding on the short side of the bullpen wall and into deep center field. Matt Angle took a bad angle on the ricochet and Ellsbury touched them all without a slide at home.

As amazing as the feat was, it is more astounding that someone with his speed hasn’t done this earlier.

Game 154: September 19, 2011
Baltimore Orioles 63-90	9	L: Brian Matusz (1-8)
		2B: Chris Davis (10), Vladimir Guerrero (28) 3B: Nick Markakis (1)
Boston Red Sox 88-66	18	W: Scott Atchison (1-0) H: Franklin Morales (10) H: Matt Albers (9)
		2B: David Ortiz (39), Marco Scutaro (22), Jacoby Ellsbury (45) HR: Jed Lowrie (5), Ellsbury (28), Conor Jackson (5)

To be fair the local nine put up a bit of a fight in the fifth with Adrian Gonzalez’s RBI double and Dustin Pedroia’s triple to plate Gonzalez. Terry Francona fought tooth and nail for David Ortiz, whose fly ball to right field was wrongly ruled foul.

While Francona had Ortiz’s back the same couldn’t be said for the designated hitter. The slugger told reporters that Alfredo Aceves should be starting. “To be honest with you, the way things are going, he should be starting. It’s as simple as that. I think at one point, he might be a starter. It all depends what the front office decides, but he’s got good stuff, and we definitely need a guy that can come in and give us six or seven good innings.” Perhaps Ortiz’s frustration is with baseball operations.

Three Orioles took flight: Robert Andino, Nolan Reimold, and J.J. Hardy all homered off greenhorn Kyle Weiland.

Game 153: September 19, 2011
Baltimore Orioles 63-89	6	W: Jeremy Guthrie (9-17) H: Troy Patton (2) H: Willie Eyre (2) H: Clay Rapada (5) H: Pedro Strop (2) S: Jim Johnson (7)
		2B: Matt Angle (4), Matt Wieters (28) HR: Robert Andino (4), Nolan Reimold (12), J.J. Hardy (28)
Boston Red Sox 87-66	5	L: Kyle Weiland (0-3)
		2B: Josh Reddick (18), Adrian Gonzalez (44), Marco Scutaro (21) 3B: Jarrod Saltalamacchia (3), Dustin Pedroia (3) HR: Darnell McDonald (6)

That’s how good it’s going for Tampa Bay: their southpaw ace seems to suffer a severe injury but won’t miss time, the relief corps banded together to maintain the lead against one of the top offenses in the league, and they are within two games of the wild card.

Don Orsillo’s tie looked like the sort of abstract pattern Patrick Nagel would occasionally incorporate in his prints. The 1980s weren’t the best decade for the Red Sox, so anything invoking nostalgia about that era must be avoided.

Game 152: September 18, 2011
Tampa Bay Rays 85-67	8	W: Jake McGee (3-1) H: Brandon Gomes (3) S: Joel Peralta (5)
		2B: Johnny Damon (28), Matt Joyce (31)
Boston Red Sox 87-65	5	L: Tim Wakefield (7-7)
		2B: Mike Aviles (16), Darnell McDonald (5), Carl Crawford (26), Jacoby Ellsbury (44) HR: Aviles (7)

Vasgersian is the most generic sport commentator on the planet. When broadcast companies want to start manufacturing play by play announcers like they do Japanese pop singers they can use Vasgersian as a template. Good-looking but not devastatingly so, a mid-range voice neither too dull nor too excitable, and pedestrian, predictable ways of describing the game. Vasgersian is Wonder white bread to Vin Scully’s baguette.

McCarver was his usual befuddled self. He must wait for fly ball plays to right field so he can bring up Lou Piniella’s play in right field on October 2, 1978. Any home run that soars towards the left field wall makes McCarver shiver in anticipation so that he can invoke the name of Bucky Dent.

With 2004 and 2007 under their belts the Red Sox and their fans are not so easily frightened by tales of failures past. McCarver summoning memories of the Boston Massacre to dishearten Boston fans is like parents trying to scare their tweener-age kids monsters under the bed. Little do parents know that their children have bittorrented all the Saw movies.

The real, current fear takes the shape of Elvis Costello hipster spectacles. The mind behind those glasses manages a team of sub-30 year-old stars that spit out talent like Carl Crawford only to replace him with Desmond Jennings. Jeff Niemann seems in line to replace Matt Garza.

Game 151: September 17, 2011
Tampa Bay Rays 84-67	4	W: Jeff Niemann (11-7) H: Matt Moore (1) S: Joel Peralta (4)
		2B: Desmond Jennings (9) HR: Ben Zobrist (16)
Boston Red Sox 87-64	3	L: Jon Lester (15-8)
		2B: Mike Aviles (15)