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Home » 2005 NewsApril 2005 » The Suspense is Killing Me

The Suspense is Killing Me

Major League Baseball announced the punishments for the Red Sox/Devil Ray fisticuffs of April 24, 2005. Below is list of the disciplined, the length of suspension, and my opinion of what the punishment should be.

  • Bronson Arroyo, 6 games. He should be forced to wear a Charles Bronson-inspired moustache for 3 outings, if he can grow one. If not, one of Manny Ramirez’s dreadlocks will be used.
  • Dewon Brazelton, 5 games. Three weeks of community service served by working for a manicurist. That will teach him not to scratch Trot Nixon.
  • Lance Carter, 5 games. In order to teach him how to play better with others, he will join a boy band with Aaron and Nick Carter. He will have to perform a complete set for an Ortiz family gathering, and they must be entertaining. If his group does not please, David Ortiz will have an array of foodstuffs to hurl at his head.
  • Terry Francona, 3 games. One week of community service at a local area shop class.
  • Trot Nixon, 2 games. Attend 3 two-hour training sessions for the proper care and cleaning of a baseball cap and write an essay on what he has learned.
  • Lou Piniella, 3 games. Participate in a series of three debates against Curt Schilling, with topics to include real baseball, ethics, and leadership.

On a serious note, the three-game suspensions of the managers are overkill. MLB is claiming it is because of the clubs’ fractious history, in which Francona played no role. The players will appeal, but the field managers have no recourse.

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